Blog Archives

Chicken Shawarma

  • 2lb bonless chicken thighs. If there is any skin, leave it on.
  • 3 large garlic cloves , minced
  • 1 teaspoon ground coriander seed
  • 1 tablespoon ground cumin
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper, or more depending on heat preference
  • 2 teaspoon smoked paprika
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper
  • 1/2 teaspoon turmeric
  • Pinch of cinnamon
  • Pinch of ground cardamon (if you have it)
  • Juice of two fresh lemons
  • 1 small red onion, minced
  • 1/4 cup of chopped italian parsley, cliantro, or a mix of the two.
  • 3 tablespoons olive oil
  • (OPTIONAL) One large heaping tablespoon of plain yogurt. I use a good, sour greek or mid eastern yogurt. The kind that is so sour that the hair on your ass curls up and falls off.

Combine everything into a ziplock bag or sealable container. Make sure all the goop is distributed all over the chicken. Let it marinate overnight.

Grill, broil, BBQ, or cook in a pan. Slice it up and eat that shit on a pita with yogurt shmutz, hummus, and other mid-eastern things and whatnots. Play Arabic music, strip naked, and do jihad on your genitals.

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La Saña – An Enchilada-Inspired Casserole

This is one of our regular healthy meals. It is flavorful, relativly low carb, high in protein, and we make it without meat. You can make more decadent with a few changes (noted in parentheses).

  • 1 can refried beans
  • 1 can black beans or kidney beans (or cooked ground beef)
  • 1 onion
  • 1 bell pepper
  • 1 tbsp olive oil or vegetable oil (or butter)
  • 1 pint of enchilada sauce
  • 1 cup cooked quinoa (or rice)
  • 1 package of Mission Carb Balance “soft taco” tortillas (or standard tortillas, flour or corn)
  • OPTIONAL – 16 oz of shredded hard cheese. We use a supermarket “Fiesta blend” or a pepperjack. Skip the cheese if you are counting calories

In a big pot, sauté the onions and bell pepper until tender. I let it sauté 5-10 min and brown a bit. Mix in everything except the refried beans, tortillas, and cheese. Simmer the MIX until it is no longer soupy. Pre-heat the oven to 350°. Heat the refried beans on the stove or microwave and blend in half cup of water to make the beans easier to spread. Make a single layer of tortillas on the bottom of a large casserole dish. I cut them in half or qurters to fill the space more efficiently. Spread all the refried beans on top of the tortilla layer. Spread half the MIX on top of the refried bean later. Sprinkle half of the cheese on top of the first MIX layer. Add a second layer of tortillas. Spread the rest of the MIX on top of the last tortilla layer. Top the entire casserole with the rest of the shredded cheese.

Bake for 20 minutes or until the inside is hot. All the ingredients should have been pre-cooked there is no required temperature to hit.

It’s layered kinda like a lasagne but with the flavors of an enchilada. The name is something I made up. It is pronounced “lasagne” but I spelled it in Spanish syntax since it’s Mexican food-inspired.

¡La Saña!

Hummus

A pint of hummus at Whole Foods costs $7. It barely cost them a buck to make it. I make my own not just to save money but I can control the fat calories.This is my reduced calorie hummus. If you want it to taste more decadent, double the amount of oil and tahini used and reduce the water accordingly.

  • 2 cups cooked chickpeas
  • 1 tbsp tahini (See below to make it at home. It’s really easy)
  • 1 tbsp olive oil
  • 3 tbsp of water
  • 2 tbsp fresh lemon juice (about one lemon)
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp ground black pepper
  • 1/2 tsp cumin
  • 1/2 tsp smoked paprika
  • OPTIONAL – 2-4 roasted garlic cloves. If you don’t want to roast the garlic, mince it, mix with with the olive oil, and microwave for a minute.
  • OPTIONAL – 1/2 tsp berbere spice. This is an ethiopian spice mix. If you put this in your hummus it won’t taste like the traditional hummus I ate with my mid-eastern family. I add it to my hummus for some next-level shit. It’s amazing.

Blend for several minutes in food processor until it is a smooth paste. Refridgerate. Smear on stuff. Rub it on your ass, I don’t care. Try to comsume it within a week. By week two it starts to smell like Yasser Arafat’s dirty gooch after a long flight to Oslo to negotiate with Shimon Perez.

I soak and pressure cook an entire 1 lb bag of dried chickpeas on a weekend, use what I need for hummus, and freeze the rest for other batches. It’s far cheaper than even the cheapest canned chickpeas. But go ahead and ignore me, especially if you love it in the can. (Ba doomp boomp TSSSS)

Tahini

What’s that? You don’t want to buy tahini? Good! Stores overcharge for tahini. Take one cup of sesame seeds, toast them in a pan for 5 min, and then run them in a food processor with 3 tbsp olive oil until it forms a gooey paste. Put it in an air-tight jar and it will keep for months in the fridge like peanutbutter.

Pasta Dough di Cristoforo

I have been putzing around with pasta dough recipies. I buy Bob’s Red Mill Semolina flour and usually use the recipe on the bag. It’s really good. You should prolly stick with it and ignore my half cracker / half camel jockey ass. But if you want to bump it up a tad, this is what I do:

Use half semolina and half all purpose flour.  Instead of two eggs, use one whole egg and two egg yolks. 

Ingredients:

  • 2 Tbsp Olive Oil
  • 1 whole egg + 2 egg yolks (or just use 2 eggs if you want to be a simple-minded tit)
  • 1/2 cup Semolina Pasta Flour + 1/4 cup all purpose flour. (You can use 1 1/2 cups of either flour if you want. Go ahead, break my heart)
  • 2 Tbsp Water 
  • 1/2 tsp Salt (Try sea salt!  That little bit of extra fish shit adds a certain je ne sais quoi)

Instructions:

Combine flour and salt, add eggs, water and oil. Mix to make a stiff dough. Not Ron Jeremy stiff, but stiff enough to make a cougar blush. Knead 10 minutes or until dough is elastic. You want to kneed by smashing and stretching with your hands. Don’t be a lazy prick! PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT!!! Wrap dough plastic bag and let rest for 30 minutes so all those dangerous glutens can gain enough strength to kill you and your shitty-ass gluten-free body. After 30 min, on a lightly floured surface, roll out to desired thickness and cut as desired. I use a Kitchen Aid pasta roller because I am lazy.

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook until tender (approximately 3 – 5 minutes). Don’t over cook fresh pasta, silly ass! When making lasagna, no need to boil noodles. Add directly to your recipe.

Eat. Get diabeetus. Die with a smile on your fat face.

Italian (Or Assyrian) Meatballs

  

1 cup Italian bread crumbs. (For Assyrian, use 1 cup cooked rice instead)
2 eggs
1 small onion, minced. (I use a food processor)
½ cup finely grated Parmesan cheese. (For Assyrian, either omit or use feta cheese)
½ cup chopped fresh basil leaves
½ cup chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves. (For Assyrian, use cilantro instead)
1 tablespoon tomato paste.  (For Assyrian, this is optional)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 pound ground beef
1 pound ground pork. (For Assyrian, try ground lamb instead of pork. Or a combination of beef, pork, lamb)
Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
In a large bowl, mix all the ingredients and knead until thoroughly combined.

Roll into 1-2 inch balls and place on foil-covered baking sheet. Drizzle each meatball with olive oil and bake for 20 minutes or until cooked through. I check with a thermometer until the internal temperature of the meatballs reach 165°F.