Your Father Smelt of Elderlfowers


2 oz of good gin (Like St. George)
1 oz St-Germain elderflower liqueur (St. Germain)
1/2 oz freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/2 simple syrup
Two dashes of Peychaud’s
Lemon twist, for garnish

Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with ice and add the gin, elderflower liqueur, simple syrup, Peychaud’s, and lemon juice. Shake for 20 to 30 seconds. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass, garnish with the lemon twist, and serve.

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Frenchy 75

Makes two cocktails. 


Ingredients: 

4 oz of good gin (we like St. George).
4 oz Champagne or dry sparkling wine (Mini bottles of Lamarca Prosecco are inexpensive and great for cocktails).
1 oz St. Germain.
1 oz simple syrup.
1 oz fresh squeezed lemon juice (about half a lemon).

Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with ice. Add gin, St. Germain, simple syrup and lemon juice. Shake well and strain equally into two Champagne glasses. Top with The Bubbly and garnish with a hunk of fresh lemon peel. Pour into face post haste. Get drunk. Pee pants. 

Ricky the Green Fairy

Ingredients:

3 ounces good Gin
1 ounce Green Chartreuse
1 ounce Absinthe
1 ounce mint-infused simple syrup
1 ounce Fresh Lime juice
splash of club soda
Squished lime for garnish

Mix gin, Chartreuse, Absinthe, syrup, and lime juice in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake well and pour into tall glass with fresh ice and lime garnish. Top with club soda. Drink five. Pass out. Pee yourself.

Caesar Christopherus

This is my recipe for caesar salad.

Hail Caesar!

3 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons anchovy paste (sold in tubes at the store)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
Juice from one lemon (about 2 tablespoons)
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard. Real dijon, not that Grey Poop-On junk.
2 egg yolks (pasteurized egg recommended) OR 1 tablespoon premium mayonnaise if you must.
3/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil.
1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese or Romano cheese. Buy a real block of cheese. Not that canned shit.

Chopped romaine lettuce. (This recipe should cover two heads or 40oz of chopped romain. Arugula, spinach, kale are great too. Go crazy)

OPTIONAL – Pinch of hot red pepper flakes. Caesar salad with a a kick chili heat is amazing, but it’s not for everyone.

Mash garlic, anchovy paste, salt, and pepper into a fine goop. I use a mortar and pestle. In a mixing bowl, food processor, or cup, add the lemon juice, dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, mayo, parmesean, and mix into the fine goop you just mashed. If using a bowl, slowly drizzle in the olive oil last while whisking the mixture vigouously. 

Authentic caesar needs egg. You can punch up dressing by using one egg plus one egg yolk for a bigger flavor. I pasteurize my own eggs at home, but you can buy them pasteurized from many stores. Use raw eggs at your own risk. Otherwise, mayo is an OK substitute for egg, since mayo is eggs and oil. It works well, it’s more convienent, and has less salmonella. I find that one tablespoon of mayo is about right for me. Any more than that and the mayo flavor will take over. Use Hellmen’s/Best Foods ore better. If you use cheap mayo you will destroy the dressing, in my opinion. If you use Miracle Whip… Kill yourself.

I Can’t Sleep

This is what happened after being stuck in Deadwood, SD for two weeks in 2013 during a snow storm. This took me about 80 hours to complete. I did it alone.

Equipment used:

  • Portable tripod
  • iPad 2
  • Dell laptop
  • Zoom H4 portable audio recorder
  • Canon 60D DSLR

Lenses:

  • Sigma 10-20 f4-5.6
  • Sigma 18-200mm f3.5-6.3 OS
  • Canon 85mm f1.8 

Adobe Creative Suite CS6:

  • After Effects
  • Premiere

Music recorded with Garage Band for iPad

Wrong Number, errr… Email

Two years ago a Realtor in Seattle named Chris Robertson put up a website that incorrectly listed his email domain as ChrisRobinson.com. I started getting dozens of his emails daily and contacted him every week to politely remind him to change it. At first he thanked me and apologized for the inconvenience. A few weeks, later he stopped taking my phone calls but never fixed the issue, which seriously pissed me off.

I decided to have some fun at his expense:

NICE TO MEET YOU

From: melissa c*****
To: chris@
Sent: Sun, June 27, 2010 9:05:33 PM
Subject: Hi Chris!

Hi Chris,
Hope you are doing well. We met when I was with my kids in the ferry line heading over to Seattle from Vashon. I am the one that had the emergency aortic dissection / emergency open heart surgery that moved here with my husband (the chiropractor) from Sonoma about 8 months ago :). We spoke a bit on the ferry & I had also mentioned the documentary I am working on: Project Censored…we’re starting back up again with the editing in about a week or so.

Just wanted to say hello. Mike will finally be up here on Vashon full-time after his last week working down in the Bay Area next week. I came across your card and wanted to send along our contact info.

P.S. We never did get a chance to visit the baby goats. If you hear of any more let us know. Logan & Meriel would love to visit some local farm animals. Also looking forward to meeting your wife.

Best regards,
Melissa
206-408-#### home

—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
From: melissa c*****
Sent: Mon, 28 Jun 2010 07:16:13 -0000 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Hi Chris!
It was great meeting you.  I am very happy you replied.
Let me be frank. My wife and I are swingers. Would you and your husband be interested in a four way? I know it is upfront, but I thought I should just be honest with you.
Seriously. Think about it.

–Chris
—————————-

From: melissa c*****
To: Chris R. Robinson <chris@ch..
Sent: Mon, June 28, 2010 9:55:19 AM
Subject: Re: Hi Chris!

Hi Chris,
Thanks for your reply. Hope you both are enjoying the summer…it took awhile to arrive.

My husband and I are not swingers & are not interested – the only swinging we do is pushing the kids on the swings at Ober Park :). Thanks for being upfront. I’m from NY & appreciate your honesty.

Enjoy the sun,
Melissa
—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
From: melissa c*****
Sent: Monday, June 28, 2010 10:17 AM
Subject: Re: Hi Chris!

Hi Melissa.

Do me one last favor. Check the card that was given to you, the one where you got this email address. Make sure next time that you type in the correct email.
My guess is that you intended to type chrisrobinson.net or chrisroberTson.
You and I did not meet. I am a comedian living in Las Vegas.
Enjoy your summer and good luck finding the Chris you met in Seattle.

–Chris

—————————-

 

THE BOOK STORE

From: Felicia H—–
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 10:38 AM
Subject: Agent Assistant Book Info

Hello

I have ordered the assitant book you requested. It is called The Proffesional Assistant By Monica Reynolds. I will give you call when it comes in. In the mean time you can research it online and see if it is something you would be interested in.

Have a good day
—————————-

From: Chris Robinson
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 12:48 PM
To: Felicia H—–
Subject: RE: Agent Assistant Book Info

Its about fucking time!
—————————-

From: Felicia H—–
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 1:31 PM
Subject: RE: Agent Assistant Book Info

Wow…. I apologize if there was any inconvenience in my getting back to you, as you know I am in an office by myself and yesterday after you left, I had a hard time getting a hold of the lady who places my orders, as she was out of the office sick. I had to email her and was waiting on a response.
—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 1:22 PM
To: Felicia H——
Subject: Re: Agent Assistant Book Info

Can you locate this book for me next?

http://www.biblio.com/mary-l-martin/midget-exhibit/ISBN-9780764321146
—————————-

From: Tyanna F—-
To: Felicia H—-
Sent: Tue, June 29, 2010 1:50:48 PM
Subject: FW: Agent Assistant Book Info
Hello Felicia,

Please order The Professional Assistant book for agent Chris Robinson Lag #14465 and give him a call once it comes in. He will come into your office to take a look at the book to make sure it is the one he is looking for. Please disregard the request for the midget book; I am sure the agent knows we do not carry such books in our Member Service Store.

If you have any questions or concerns please contact me.

Thank you for all of your help in locating this book, I truly appreciate it!

Thanks,
Tyanna F—-
—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 2:02 PM
To: Tyanna F—–; Felicia H—–
Cc: Tyanna F—–
Subject: Re: Agent Assistant Book Info

No midget books? Are you shittin’ me? What am I supposed to masturbate to, fucking Cat Fancy? You carry any “Chicks with Dicks” books?
-Chris

—————————-
From: Tyanna F—–
To: Chris R. Robinson
Cc: Felicia H—–; Monica B—–
Sent: Tue, June 29, 2010 3:29:36 PM
Subject: RE: Agent Assistant Book Info
Mr. Robinson –

I am copying your broker, David —- and -*****’s legal counsel, Chris O—–, on this e-mail.  ***** considers your below e-mail harassment.  When your book arrives, we will mail it to you and charge your ***** account. 

Please do not contact anyone at our ***** Office again.

Tyanna F—-
Office Manager
—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
REPLY ALL
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 8:08 PM
Subject: Re: Agent Assistant Book Info
Actually,

I have no idea who you are, what you do or where you are located. I have never met you or any of your associates. In fact, I looked you up and I don’t even live in your state.

I am certain you have the wrong email address.

Thanks for playin’!
—————————-

After these, I stopped getting emails from Seattle.

High School Reunion Group Page

I unsubscribed from my high school reunion page weeks ago. I still read over it once a week for the same reason people rubber-neck on the highway after a Barnum and Bailey clown car collides with a truck carrying live chickens. It’s a disaster, yet so fun to watch.

I removed myself from the group because I could feel that old adolescent desire to be accepted and admired creeping back up from the bowels of my psyche and I didn’t like it. I checked my urge to tell everyone how “well” I am doing and instead just read over what others posted about themselves. I’m glad I did. It’s a big ME ME ME Festival among my classmates. It reminds me of when someone is talking and the other people are so obsessed with thinking up a good response that they never listen to what the person speaking says.

Here are the broken record posts:

-I have an amazing job
-I have seen the entire world
-I have the most amazing children. 3-4 on average.
-I am into hobbies or activities that all of you should envy.

I see very little about people’s spouses or if they are happy, in love, or if they have found joy in simple things. So much talk about what their children are doing rather than HOW their children are doing. I would be much more interested to read about the adversity experienced in the last 20 years. What have you overcome? What challenges did you face? Those are the things that make you interesting and human. I only see how “picture perfect” you all are and its a lie. I don’t care about your house, car, boat, vacations, retirement funds, investments, or how accomplished your children are at sports or school. Who cares? Tell me how you got through the divorce or how difficult it was when your parent died. Those stories will tap instantly into my heart and fill me with empathy.

Whatever. I guess it’s my turn to brag about my life.

-My job pays the bills.
-My car starts and gets me where I need to go.
-I have adequate shelter.
-I’m in good health.
-I have lots of hobbies and interests.

Those are all distractions from my real joy. The quickest way for me to summarize how my life is right now is to show you this video. This video contains a snapshot of everything that is perfect and wonderful about my life today.

Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

This is the last time I performed at Second City.

Twenty Year High School Reunion.

Class of 1992
All American High School.
Anytown, USA

I am so excited to see all of you soon at our twenty year high school reunion. Everyone is sharing so much about themselves that I decided to share a little bit about me.

As many of you remember, I was the school slut. I used to blow guys behind the boys gym dumpster. I would walk to the local dollar theater and give handjobs for popcorn and matinee tickets. Then tragedy struck senior year when my grandmother, Nana Buttermilf, died of violent complications from Tourette’s Syndrome. This sent me into a depression and soon I was huffing Pam cooking spray and eating paint chips just to make it through a day of school. Luckily that month, Dirk Drinkmilk asked me to the Reverse Sadie Hawkins dance.

I was the luckiest girl in school! Every girl in school wanted to date the amazing Dirk Drinkmilk: champion quarterback, took our basketball team to the championships, track, swim team, and Secretary of the Young Republicans club hate-on-Mexicans club. He was all mine! After six consecutive weeks of unprotected sex (condoms are a sin, you know) God decided to bless us with our first baby. Dirk and I were married at the Chappell du Bâtard at the local Indian Casino exactly three months after graduation and three months before our son, Job, was born.

Dirk and I were brought together by God, I know this now. Pam cooking spray, paint chips and handjobs will never fulfill you as much as The Lord. I had lost my way in high school, but was back on the path of Christ soon after. Dirk and I found Jesus together and also found a studio apartment five blocks from high school. He started a lucrative career as a vending machine service man. I started my career at Mom, Inc.  It has been an amazing 20 years. We have been blessed with many wonderful children:

Job – 20
Lot – 19
Peter – 18
Caleb – 17
Eli -16  1/2
Luke -16
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Triplets) – 15
Mary – 14
Hosanna – 13
Moab – 12 1/2
Tobiah – 12
Phineas – 11
Micah – 10
Isaiah – 9
Samson and Delilah (Twins) – 8
Gideon – 7
Eve – 6
Abel – 5
Lazarus (God rest his soul)

God took Lazarus from us when he was only five months old. A month after he was born my uterus fell out and I was told I’d never give birth again. I went back to eating paint chips and was ready to kill myself. I wasn’t paying attention and I let little Lazarus fall into a sewer pipe… three or four times. After the fourth time, the Emergency Room was not able to resuscitate our baby. Thanks a lot, Obamacare! Clearly God needed little Lazarus more than I did. God was sending me a clear message that I needed to, once again, stop eating paint chips.  

Dirk made night shift manager at the Mr. Pibb warehouse and we were able to buy our dream home, two blocks from high school, where our oldest 8 children attend or have mostly graduated. Our oldest kids are not working. Thanks a lot, Obamanomics! Job went into the military and lost both hands in a tragic urinal/grenade prank during boot camp. I started my own business recently on Etsy. I make religious cummerbunds.  

I can’t wait for the reunion! I am so excited to see all my high school friends. It’s seems like yesterday that we all saw each other. Oh wait, it was yesterday. All of our kids attend the exact same schools we did.  Gotta run.  I’ve got to cook dinner for twenty thankless children and then go clean the Pabst Blue Ribbon stains out of my big fat husband’s XXXL jockey shorts.  My husband has bigger tits than I do and hasn’t laid a hand on me since my girl parts fell out. But he’s the love of my life!

Yours in Jesus,
Britney Buttermilf-Drinkmilk

Santorum/Palin 2012

Chris Russell Robinson’s Midge-Poultry Conversation Digression Effect

If you engage in a conversation with Chris Russell Robinson for a long enough duration, eventually he will invoke “midgets” or “chickens”.