Category Archives: Food

Vern Bern’s Texas Asswhoop

After some tweeking, I have finally perfected my Texas BBQ sauce. My secret ingredient: Espresso.

This is fairly spicy to the average dick. You can always skip the cayenne to make sissy sauce or add habanero or more chipotle if you want it hotter’n a two-pecker billy goat.

A 12 oz can of tomato sauce
A 6 ounce can of tomato paste
1 cup stock or broth (beef or pork is prefered. I use drippings from a roast)
1/2 cup blackstrap molasses
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup bourbon or rye whiskey
1/4 cup mustard
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon liquid smoke
1/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice (about one small lemon)
2 teaspoons garlic powder
1 teaspoon thyme
1 teaspoon sage
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon finely ground powder espresso or instant coffee.
1/2 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
2 tablespoons dried onion, minced
3 teaspoons chili powder (I use 1 tsp regular chili, 1 tbs ancho, 1 tsp chipotle)
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley
1 teaspoon seasoning salt (I use a smokehouse rub)

Put in pot. Simmer for half an hour. Add more sugar to balance the spice if needed. Pour down your brisket hole.

BBQ Sauce


Italian (Or Assyrian) Meatballs


1 cup Italian bread crumbs. (For Assyrian, use 1 cup cooked rice instead)
2 eggs
1 small onion, minced. (I use a food processor)
½ cup finely grated Parmesan cheese. (For Assyrian, either omit or use feta cheese)
½ cup chopped fresh basil leaves
½ cup chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves. (For Assyrian, use cilantro instead)
1 tablespoon tomato paste.  (For Assyrian, this is optional)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 pound ground beef
1 pound ground pork. (For Assyrian, try ground lamb instead of pork. Or a combination of beef, pork, lamb)
Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
In a large bowl, mix all the ingredients and knead until thoroughly combined.

Roll into 1-2 inch balls and place on foil-covered baking sheet. Drizzle each meatball with olive oil and bake for 20 minutes or until cooked through. I check with a thermometer until the internal temperature of the meatballs reach 165°F. 


Caesar Christopherus

This is my recipe for caesar salad.

Hail Caesar!

3 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons anchovy paste (sold in tubes at the store)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
Juice from one lemon (about 2 tablespoons)
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard. Real dijon, not that Grey Poop-On junk.
2 egg yolks (pasteurized egg recommended) OR 1 tablespoon premium mayonnaise if you must.
3/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil.
1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese or Romano cheese. Buy a real block of cheese. Not that canned shit.

Chopped romaine lettuce. (This recipe should cover two heads or 40oz of chopped romain. Arugula, spinach, kale are great too. Go crazy)

OPTIONAL – Pinch of hot red pepper flakes. Caesar salad with a a kick chili heat is amazing, but it’s not for everyone.

Mash garlic, anchovy paste, salt, and pepper into a fine goop. I use a mortar and pestle. In a mixing bowl, food processor, or cup, add the lemon juice, dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, mayo, parmesean, and mix into the fine goop you just mashed. If using a bowl, slowly drizzle in the olive oil last while whisking the mixture vigouously. 

Authentic caesar needs egg. You can punch up dressing by using one egg plus one egg yolk for a bigger flavor. I pasteurize my own eggs at home, but you can buy them pasteurized from many stores. Use raw eggs at your own risk. Otherwise, mayo is an OK substitute for egg, since mayo is eggs and oil. It works well, it’s more convienent, and has less salmonella. I find that one tablespoon of mayo is about right for me. Any more than that and the mayo flavor will take over. Use Hellmen’s/Best Foods ore better. If you use cheap mayo you will destroy the dressing, in my opinion. If you use Miracle Whip… Kill yourself.