Category Archives: Food

Ranch & Bleu Cheese Dressing

My mother came up with this Ranch Dressing recipe in the 80s. It is very low fat compared to most recipes and I think it tastes better. Bottles ranch dressings taste too much like cheap mayo, vinegar, and/or sugar. This is tangy and low fat thanks to the yogurt. Once we have our ranch, making bleu cheese is just a few more steps.

Ranch Dressing

1 quart of low fat plain yogurt. (I like using Mountain High specifically for this dressing)
I packet of Hidden Valley ranch dressing powder (or 3 tablespoons if you buy the bulk container like me)
1/4 cup of decent mayo. (I use Best Foods or Hellmans. You can use more than a 1/4 cup if you wish)

Combine all three in a bowl and mix thouroughly with a wire wisk. You're done! If you think it's too thick add a little water or mile to thin it out.

Bleu Cheese Dressing

1 cup of our Ranch Dressing
1/4 cup blue cheese crumbles
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons sour cream (optional)
a few dashes of Worchestershire sauce.

Combine in a bowl and mix thouroughly with a wire wisk. You're done!

Put some ranch on your left bewb, bleu cheese on your right bewb, and then slap your own ass.

wierdo

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Buffalo Chicken Thighs

I love buffalo wings but they are a pain in the ass. They have little meat and if you want to make them at home, raw wings cost 3x more than thighs. Thighs are just awesome. Here is my recipe. I buy whole thighs and I remove the bones, leaving the skin on.

1 cup flour (plus an extra 1/4 cup for batter prep)
2 TBS corn starch (optional for crispier chicken)
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon thyme
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
4 chicken thighs (bone in or boneless, with skin or without)
oil (high heat oil for deep frying)
1 tablespoon butter
1/2 cup hot sauce (Frank's Louisanna works well but any hot sauce will do)
1 egg
1/4 cup buttermilk or half and half.

Combine hot sauce and butter in a microwave safe bowl and microwave to melt the butter. Stir and set aside.

Place 1/4 cup of flour in bowl. This will be bowl #1.

Mix egg and buttermilk (or half and half) in a second bowl and beat thouroghly. Bowl #2.

Combine 1 cup of flour, corn starch, paprika, thyme, cayenne, salt, pepper, garlic in a 3rd big bowl and mix. Bowl #3.

Arrange the bowls in order and grab a chicken thigh.

Run the chicken thigh through bowl #1 of flour only to coat and dry.
Next run that thigh through the egg/dairy bowl #2 so the egg mix sticks to the floured chicken.
Finally, dredge the egg mix-coated thigh through bowl #3 with the spiced and herbed flour mix.

Place the thigh on a baking sheet (I like to cover it with aluminim foil for easy cleanup) and then repeat with the remaining thighs. You'll want the dredged chicken to sit for at least 20 min so the flour mix absorbs the moisture. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees

If you do not own a deep fryer (like me) you can use a cast iron skillet or pot. Stainless steel works too. Just don't do any high heat frying in Teflon cookware or you will destroy it. Pour enough high heat oil into the pan or pot so there is at least a quarter inch of oil. Heat the oil to 350 degrees before adding chicken. Deep fry each piece until the chicken reaches 160 degrees. Flip every so often unless you are using a proper deep fryer.

Set each piece of chicken on your baking sheet when done. Baste each side of each finished chicken thigh with your butter/hot sauce mixture and then place into the oven. After 10 minutes or so the sauce will dry out and cling to the chicken.

Serve with bleu cheese dressing, celery stalks, and sliced carrot sticks. If this recipe isn't hot enough, jam a hot poker up your ass.

Pasta Dough di Cristoforo

I have been putzing around with pasta dough recipies. I buy Bob’s Red Mill Semolina flour and usually use the recipe on the bag. It’s really good. You should prolly stick with it and ignore my half cracker / half camel jockey ass. But if you want to bump it up a tad, this is what I do:

Use half semolina and half all purpose flour.  Instead of two eggs, use one whole egg and two egg yolks. 

Ingredients:

  • 2 Tbsp Olive Oil
  • 1 whole egg + 2 egg yolks (or just use 2 eggs if you want to be a simple-minded tit)
  • 1/2 cup Semolina Pasta Flour + 1/4 cup all purpose flour. (You can use 1 1/2 cups of either flour if you want. Go ahead, break my heart)
  • 2 Tbsp Water 
  • 1/2 tsp Salt (Try sea salt!  That little bit of extra fish shit adds a certain je ne sais quoi)

Instructions:

Combine flour and salt, add eggs, water and oil. Mix to make a stiff dough. Not Ron Jeremy stiff, but stiff enough to make a cougar blush. Knead 10 minutes or until dough is elastic. You want to kneed by smashing and stretching with your hands. Don’t be a lazy prick! PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT!!! Wrap dough plastic bag and let rest for 30 minutes so all those dangerous glutens can gain enough strength to kill you and your shitty-ass gluten-free body. After 30 min, on a lightly floured surface, roll out to desired thickness and cut as desired. I use a Kitchen Aid pasta roller because I am lazy.

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook until tender (approximately 3 – 5 minutes). Don’t over cook fresh pasta, silly ass! When making lasagna, no need to boil noodles. Add directly to your recipe.

Eat. Get diabeetus. Die with a smile on your fat face.

Au Gratin Potatoes

  • 1 lbs Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and sliced
  • 1 1/4 cups half and half
  • 1 tsp butter
  • 1/2 yellow onion, sliced
  • 2 cloves garlic
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • 1 tsp thyme
  • 4 tbsp unsalted butter, diced
  • Optional: 3 tbsp hatch chili, canned or roasted and diced. (or any diced roasted chili or crushed pepper if you wish)
  • 2 cups shredded cheese (Gruyere for French-style. Cheddar and jack work best if you use chilies. Or try a combo of cheddar, jack, and Gruyere)

Preheat oven to 425. Sauté onions in 1 tsp butter until caramelized. Add garlic, chilis (optional), salt, pepper, and thyme. Add half and half and bring to boil. In a greased 2 quart oven safe dish, place 1/3 of the sliced potatoes, top with 1/3 of butter, cream mixture, and cheese. Repeat two more times, ending with cheese. Bake at 425 until potatoes are tender (about 45 minutes). 

Assyrian Zazich and Tzatziki

Zazich

I’m half Assyrian. I grew up eating a dish called Zazich (prounounced jah-jek). It’s a cheese spread that we’d smear on everything and eat like it was going out of style. It’s a really great dish to eat if you think your LDL is too low. 

Here is the zazich recipe. I didn’t even know how it was spelled until I looked it up on Google recently! There are slight differences between recipes I’ve found online and what my family did, but the overall recipe is fairly consistant. 

  • 16-ounce package small curd cottage cheese 
  • 2 large packages (6- or 8-ounce cream
    cheese) 
  • 1 tablespoon butter, room temperature (optional, but yum)
  • 1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro  (Use Italian parsley if you think cilantro tastes like dish soap. Some people hate it)
  • 1/2 cup chopped fresh dill
  • 2 hot yellow hungarian peppers / banana peppers, diced.  (omit if you are a sissy pansy)

Add all ingredients to mixing bowl and blend. I use a hand held blender to smooth out the cottage cheese curds. They’re kinda nasty lookin’ otherwise. When you are done blending, put it back in the fridge. It will be about 24 hours before all the herb flavors release into the dip. Add a little salt if you wish. Spread it on bread, toast, bagels, pita. Rub it on your assneck, I don’t give a shit.

If you want it to be lower fat you can use use half the cream cheese, as we did when I was a kid, but fat is what makes everything taste good. Growing up, we never measured anything. It was a pint container of cottage cheese, a standard stick of cream cheese, a “bunch” of cilantro, a “bunch” of dill, and that was it.  If you have cilantro or dill left over it won’t kill you to just throw it in. More flavor, ya know?  I never liked hot peppers as a child. Now I can’t get enough. Use them if you wish. 

Tzatziki

When I got older I discovered all the other middle eastern cuisines as well as world cuisine. I love Assyrian food because I grew up with it, but I think Lebanese food is far superior. (My grandmother is going to haunt me from the grave for admitting that). Learning to cook world cuisine has altered how I approach family recipes. 

I realized I could make a fantastic tzatziki while using the flavors of Assyrian zazich. We never made tzatziki when I was a kid, so I had to make up my own that still adhered to the flavors common in my family’s recipes. 

Here is what I came up with:

  • 1 pint full fat greek-style plain yogurt.
  • 1/4 cup chopped fresh dill 
  • 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro  (Use Italian parsley if you think cilantro tastes like dish soap. I said it before: Some people hate it)
  • 1 tsp smashed fresh garlic
  • 1/2 – 1 tsp salt (start with a half and add more to taste)
  • 1/2 tsp paprika
  • 1 tsp pepper
  • 2 tsp lemon juice
  • 1 tbsp olive oil
  • 1 tbsp mayo  (you can skip the mayo, but I think it rounds out the flavor. Use good mayo, not some Miracle Whip bullshit)
  • 1 medium cucumber (I leave on the skin)

I place the pepper, salt, and garlic in a mortar and smash the hell out of it with a pestle until it is a paste. Slice the cucumbers thin and then dice them. I use a truffle shaver, but I am a douchebag. Put the minced cucumber into a mixing bowl along with your garlic paste. 

Add in a pint of full fat plain greek yogurt. I prefer Straus Greek Yogurt. Greek yogurt is strained so it is rich and almost as creamy as cream cheese. Any yogurt will work but dairy fat makes it taste better and it should be tart enough to gag a Bulgarian plummer. 

Add in the remaining ingredients and mix well. Place it in the fridge and give it 24 hours for all the herbs to mingle with the dairy fat.  Put it on kabobs, rice, pita. Rub it on your pintits, I don’t give a shit!

Grilled Salmon On A Cedar Plank

 

Buy a food grade cedar plank from Home Depot or Whole Foods and soak it in water for at least an hour. In a bowl, combine the following until it becomes a nice goop.

1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tbsp dry thyme
1/2 tsp Chipotle powder or cayenne
1 tsp bbq rub
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp powdered garlic
2 tbsp oil
1/4 tsp fine ground espresso
Zest of one lemon
Juice from half a lemon
Place filet of salmon or steelhead trout, skin down, on the soaked cedar plank. Place on the grill and cook on low heat for 40 mintues or until the thickest portion of the fish is 145 degrees inside. You want the plank close enough to the flame to smoke but not catch fire and cook the fish too quickly. The longer it cooks, without overcooking, the more smoke flavor.

 

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Steel Cut Oats – 15 Minutes Pressure Cooked

Use a 3 to 1 ratio of water to oats.
Once pressure is reached, cook for 15 minutes.
Enjoy.

If you like them more gooey, use 4 to 1 water to oats and cook for 20-25 min.

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Vern Bern’s Texas Asswhoop

After some tweeking, I have finally perfected my Texas BBQ sauce. My secret ingredient: Espresso.

This is fairly spicy to the average dick. You can always skip the cayenne to make sissy sauce or add habanero or more chipotle if you want it hotter’n a two-pecker billy goat.

A 12 oz can of tomato sauce
A 6 ounce can of tomato paste
1 cup stock or broth (beef or pork is prefered. I use drippings from a roast)
1/2 cup blackstrap molasses
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup bourbon or rye whiskey
1/4 cup mustard
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon liquid smoke
1/4 cup sugar
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice (about one small lemon)
2 teaspoons garlic powder
1 teaspoon thyme
1 teaspoon sage
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon finely ground powder espresso or instant coffee.
1/2 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
2 tablespoons dried onion, minced
3 teaspoons chili powder (I use 1 tsp regular chili, 1 tbs ancho, 1 tsp chipotle)
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley
1 teaspoon seasoning salt (I use a smokehouse rub)

Put in pot. Simmer for half an hour. Add more sugar to balance the spice if needed. Pour down your brisket hole.

BBQ Sauce

Italian (Or Assyrian) Meatballs

  

1 cup Italian bread crumbs. (For Assyrian, use 1 cup cooked rice instead)
2 eggs
1 small onion, minced. (I use a food processor)
½ cup finely grated Parmesan cheese. (For Assyrian, either omit or use feta cheese)
½ cup chopped fresh basil leaves
½ cup chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves. (For Assyrian, use cilantro instead)
1 tablespoon tomato paste.  (For Assyrian, this is optional)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 pound ground beef
1 pound ground pork. (For Assyrian, try ground lamb instead of pork. Or a combination of beef, pork, lamb)
Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
In a large bowl, mix all the ingredients and knead until thoroughly combined.

Roll into 1-2 inch balls and place on foil-covered baking sheet. Drizzle each meatball with olive oil and bake for 20 minutes or until cooked through. I check with a thermometer until the internal temperature of the meatballs reach 165°F. 

  

Caesar Christopherus

This is my recipe for caesar salad.

Hail Caesar!

3 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons anchovy paste (sold in tubes at the store)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
Juice from one lemon (about 2 tablespoons)
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard. Real dijon, not that Grey Poop-On junk.
2 egg yolks (pasteurized egg recommended) OR 1 tablespoon premium mayonnaise if you must.
3/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil.
1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese or Romano cheese. Buy a real block of cheese. Not that canned shit.

Chopped romaine lettuce. (This recipe should cover two heads or 40oz of chopped romain. Arugula, spinach, kale are great too. Go crazy)

OPTIONAL – Pinch of hot red pepper flakes. Caesar salad with a a kick chili heat is amazing, but it’s not for everyone.

Mash garlic, anchovy paste, salt, and pepper into a fine goop. I use a mortar and pestle. In a mixing bowl, food processor, or cup, add the lemon juice, dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, mayo, parmesean, and mix into the fine goop you just mashed. If using a bowl, slowly drizzle in the olive oil last while whisking the mixture vigouously. 

Authentic caesar needs egg. You can punch up dressing by using one egg plus one egg yolk for a bigger flavor. I pasteurize my own eggs at home, but you can buy them pasteurized from many stores. Use raw eggs at your own risk. Otherwise, mayo is an OK substitute for egg, since mayo is eggs and oil. It works well, it’s more convienent, and has less salmonella. I find that one tablespoon of mayo is about right for me. Any more than that and the mayo flavor will take over. Use Hellmen’s/Best Foods ore better. If you use cheap mayo you will destroy the dressing, in my opinion. If you use Miracle Whip… Kill yourself.