Category Archives: Comedy

F**k ‘Em!

Doing stand up comedy in the beginning is strangely terrifying. Nothing is going to hurt you up there, but when you’re doing poorly the crowd feels your fear and they seem to amplify it with their reaction. They get uncomfortable and that makes you more self conscious about bombing. It can take years for comic to reach that point where they stop caring about bombing. It’s like learning to ski or ice skate. You have to fall down in order to get over your fear of falling down.

On Sunday, July 10th, my improv troupe The Sandbox Association performed during half time for the NBA Summer League Game at Cox Pavilion in Las Vegas. There were at least 2000 rabid NBA fans there. Of the six people in our improv troupe, only three of us could be there. We did a game called “Sports Center.” This is how we described it on our website (seen in the screenshot above):

“The Sandbox asked for a simple everyday household activity and one basketball fan yelled ‘mopping’, and with the help of another audience volunteer the crowd witnessed the mock Olympic mopping competition narrated by none other than Sandbox newscasters.”

Many comedians I know remember the moment when they stopped being afraid to bomb. It’s usually a heckler they remember or some set when they did really well. For me it was this NBA halftime show. This was the single most brutal incident I’ve ever experienced performing in front of people going all the way back to doing stand up for the first time as a freshman in high school.

The fake “mopping” competition started and I went to TOWN, Jack! I was all over that floor like a spastic. The kid who volunteered to “compete” against me looked at me as if I was insane and quickly walked off. The crowd did not just boo us, they were ANGRY booing. They got up in droves and fled to the concession stands. “YOU SUCK!!!

In my mind I was glad they were upset. I wanted to perform harder to make them even more angry at me. It was a turning point in my life. That was the moment I stopped looking for validation from other people. Being on stage no longer frightened me. Speeches, presentation, comedy, acting, playing music, doing anything before an audience does not phase me anymore. I don’t care how large the crowd or how unprepared I am. That event made me fearless.

The organizer of the event apologized and paid us. We left a bit shaken and glad it was over. My two troupe mates said to me, “Wow you really committed to that.” And I said, “Yeah, the harder they booed me the more I gave.” They asked why. Why perform harder for people being that rude?

“Because, “ I said.

“Fuck ‘em! I hope I ruined their whole goddamn week.”

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The New Gabagool Smart Speaker by Wiseguy

Twelve Bufords

I shot this on my iPhone while on a work trip to South Dakota. Edited with Adobe Premiere and After Effects. 

Twelve Monkey meets Raising Arizona.

Rated PG for the word “Shit”
#OldBufordIsASlyOne

I Can’t Sleep

This is what happened after being stuck in Deadwood, SD for two weeks in 2013 during a snow storm. This took me about 80 hours to complete. I did it alone.

Equipment used:

  • Portable tripod
  • iPad 2
  • Dell laptop
  • Zoom H4 portable audio recorder
  • Canon 60D DSLR

Lenses:

  • Sigma 10-20 f4-5.6
  • Sigma 18-200mm f3.5-6.3 OS
  • Canon 85mm f1.8 

Adobe Creative Suite CS6:

  • After Effects
  • Premiere

Music recorded with Garage Band for iPad

Wrong Number, errr… Email

Two years ago a Realtor in Seattle named Chris Robertson put up a website that incorrectly listed his email domain as ChrisRobinson.com. I started getting dozens of his emails daily and contacted him every week to politely remind him to change it. At first he thanked me and apologized for the inconvenience. A few weeks, later he stopped taking my phone calls but never fixed the issue, which seriously pissed me off.

I decided to have some fun at his expense:

NICE TO MEET YOU

From: melissa c*****
To: chris@
Sent: Sun, June 27, 2010 9:05:33 PM
Subject: Hi Chris!

Hi Chris,
Hope you are doing well. We met when I was with my kids in the ferry line heading over to Seattle from Vashon. I am the one that had the emergency aortic dissection / emergency open heart surgery that moved here with my husband (the chiropractor) from Sonoma about 8 months ago :). We spoke a bit on the ferry & I had also mentioned the documentary I am working on: Project Censored…we’re starting back up again with the editing in about a week or so.

Just wanted to say hello. Mike will finally be up here on Vashon full-time after his last week working down in the Bay Area next week. I came across your card and wanted to send along our contact info.

P.S. We never did get a chance to visit the baby goats. If you hear of any more let us know. Logan & Meriel would love to visit some local farm animals. Also looking forward to meeting your wife.

Best regards,
Melissa
206-408-#### home

—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
From: melissa c*****
Sent: Mon, 28 Jun 2010 07:16:13 -0000 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Hi Chris!
It was great meeting you.  I am very happy you replied.
Let me be frank. My wife and I are swingers. Would you and your husband be interested in a four way? I know it is upfront, but I thought I should just be honest with you.
Seriously. Think about it.

–Chris
—————————-

From: melissa c*****
To: Chris R. Robinson <chris@ch..
Sent: Mon, June 28, 2010 9:55:19 AM
Subject: Re: Hi Chris!

Hi Chris,
Thanks for your reply. Hope you both are enjoying the summer…it took awhile to arrive.

My husband and I are not swingers & are not interested – the only swinging we do is pushing the kids on the swings at Ober Park :). Thanks for being upfront. I’m from NY & appreciate your honesty.

Enjoy the sun,
Melissa
—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
From: melissa c*****
Sent: Monday, June 28, 2010 10:17 AM
Subject: Re: Hi Chris!

Hi Melissa.

Do me one last favor. Check the card that was given to you, the one where you got this email address. Make sure next time that you type in the correct email.
My guess is that you intended to type chrisrobinson.net or chrisroberTson.
You and I did not meet. I am a comedian living in Las Vegas.
Enjoy your summer and good luck finding the Chris you met in Seattle.

–Chris

—————————-

 

THE BOOK STORE

From: Felicia H—–
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 10:38 AM
Subject: Agent Assistant Book Info

Hello

I have ordered the assitant book you requested. It is called The Proffesional Assistant By Monica Reynolds. I will give you call when it comes in. In the mean time you can research it online and see if it is something you would be interested in.

Have a good day
—————————-

From: Chris Robinson
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 12:48 PM
To: Felicia H—–
Subject: RE: Agent Assistant Book Info

Its about fucking time!
—————————-

From: Felicia H—–
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 1:31 PM
Subject: RE: Agent Assistant Book Info

Wow…. I apologize if there was any inconvenience in my getting back to you, as you know I am in an office by myself and yesterday after you left, I had a hard time getting a hold of the lady who places my orders, as she was out of the office sick. I had to email her and was waiting on a response.
—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 1:22 PM
To: Felicia H——
Subject: Re: Agent Assistant Book Info

Can you locate this book for me next?

http://www.biblio.com/mary-l-martin/midget-exhibit/ISBN-9780764321146
—————————-

From: Tyanna F—-
To: Felicia H—-
Sent: Tue, June 29, 2010 1:50:48 PM
Subject: FW: Agent Assistant Book Info
Hello Felicia,

Please order The Professional Assistant book for agent Chris Robinson Lag #14465 and give him a call once it comes in. He will come into your office to take a look at the book to make sure it is the one he is looking for. Please disregard the request for the midget book; I am sure the agent knows we do not carry such books in our Member Service Store.

If you have any questions or concerns please contact me.

Thank you for all of your help in locating this book, I truly appreciate it!

Thanks,
Tyanna F—-
—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 2:02 PM
To: Tyanna F—–; Felicia H—–
Cc: Tyanna F—–
Subject: Re: Agent Assistant Book Info

No midget books? Are you shittin’ me? What am I supposed to masturbate to, fucking Cat Fancy? You carry any “Chicks with Dicks” books?
-Chris

—————————-
From: Tyanna F—–
To: Chris R. Robinson
Cc: Felicia H—–; Monica B—–
Sent: Tue, June 29, 2010 3:29:36 PM
Subject: RE: Agent Assistant Book Info
Mr. Robinson –

I am copying your broker, David —- and -*****’s legal counsel, Chris O—–, on this e-mail.  ***** considers your below e-mail harassment.  When your book arrives, we will mail it to you and charge your ***** account. 

Please do not contact anyone at our ***** Office again.

Tyanna F—-
Office Manager
—————————-

From: Chris R. Robinson
REPLY ALL
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2010 8:08 PM
Subject: Re: Agent Assistant Book Info
Actually,

I have no idea who you are, what you do or where you are located. I have never met you or any of your associates. In fact, I looked you up and I don’t even live in your state.

I am certain you have the wrong email address.

Thanks for playin’!
—————————-

After these, I stopped getting emails from Seattle.

Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

This is the last time I performed at Second City.

Twenty Year High School Reunion.

Class of 1992
All American High School.
Anytown, USA

I am so excited to see all of you soon at our twenty year high school reunion. Everyone is sharing so much about themselves that I decided to share a little bit about me.

As many of you remember, I was the school slut. I used to blow guys behind the boys gym dumpster. I would walk to the local dollar theater and give handjobs for popcorn and matinee tickets. Then tragedy struck senior year when my grandmother, Nana Buttermilf, died of violent complications from Tourette’s Syndrome. This sent me into a depression and soon I was huffing Pam cooking spray and eating paint chips just to make it through a day of school. Luckily that month, Dirk Drinkmilk asked me to the Reverse Sadie Hawkins dance.

I was the luckiest girl in school! Every girl in school wanted to date the amazing Dirk Drinkmilk: champion quarterback, took our basketball team to the championships, track, swim team, and Secretary of the Young Republicans club hate-on-Mexicans club. He was all mine! After six consecutive weeks of unprotected sex (condoms are a sin, you know) God decided to bless us with our first baby. Dirk and I were married at the Chappell du Bâtard at the local Indian Casino exactly three months after graduation and three months before our son, Job, was born.

Dirk and I were brought together by God, I know this now. Pam cooking spray, paint chips and handjobs will never fulfill you as much as The Lord. I had lost my way in high school, but was back on the path of Christ soon after. Dirk and I found Jesus together and also found a studio apartment five blocks from high school. He started a lucrative career as a vending machine service man. I started my career at Mom, Inc.  It has been an amazing 20 years. We have been blessed with many wonderful children:

Job – 20
Lot – 19
Peter – 18
Caleb – 17
Eli -16  1/2
Luke -16
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Triplets) – 15
Mary – 14
Hosanna – 13
Moab – 12 1/2
Tobiah – 12
Phineas – 11
Micah – 10
Isaiah – 9
Samson and Delilah (Twins) – 8
Gideon – 7
Eve – 6
Abel – 5
Lazarus (God rest his soul)

God took Lazarus from us when he was only five months old. A month after he was born my uterus fell out and I was told I’d never give birth again. I went back to eating paint chips and was ready to kill myself. I wasn’t paying attention and I let little Lazarus fall into a sewer pipe… three or four times. After the fourth time, the Emergency Room was not able to resuscitate our baby. Thanks a lot, Obamacare! Clearly God needed little Lazarus more than I did. God was sending me a clear message that I needed to, once again, stop eating paint chips.  

Dirk made night shift manager at the Mr. Pibb warehouse and we were able to buy our dream home, two blocks from high school, where our oldest 8 children attend or have mostly graduated. Our oldest kids are not working. Thanks a lot, Obamanomics! Job went into the military and lost both hands in a tragic urinal/grenade prank during boot camp. I started my own business recently on Etsy. I make religious cummerbunds.  

I can’t wait for the reunion! I am so excited to see all my high school friends. It’s seems like yesterday that we all saw each other. Oh wait, it was yesterday. All of our kids attend the exact same schools we did.  Gotta run.  I’ve got to cook dinner for twenty thankless children and then go clean the Pabst Blue Ribbon stains out of my big fat husband’s XXXL jockey shorts.  My husband has bigger tits than I do and hasn’t laid a hand on me since my girl parts fell out. But he’s the love of my life!

Yours in Jesus,
Britney Buttermilf-Drinkmilk

Santorum/Palin 2012

Chris Russell Robinson’s Midge-Poultry Conversation Digression Effect

If you engage in a conversation with Chris Russell Robinson for a long enough duration, eventually he will invoke “midgets” or “chickens”.

Testing My New Harmony M (With Silly Outtakes)

Drinking and playing don’t mix kids.

 

You’re a Rich Girl…