Category Archives: Cocktails

My favorite recipes. These are either my favorite ways to make certain drinks or they are my own versions.

Bloody Mary

For a while now I have been thinking how I could improve the bloody mary beyond simple tomato juice. Here is it. You’ll need a blender.

These are two empty 750ml St. George Gin bottles that I washed out and removed the labels. The vodka is premixed in and they are ready to drink.

  • 1 can whole Pomodoro tomatoes (Mutti or Cento is best)
  • Two cloves of garlic, mashed
  • The leaves and stems trimmed off a head of celery.
  • 1/4 cup diced red onion
  • Juice of 2 large lemons (about 3oz)
  • 1 tbsp Hot sauce (I use Nando’s Peri Peri)
  • 1 tbsp Horseradish, to taste
  • 1 tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
  • 1 or 2 tsp salt (to taste)
  • 1/2 tsp ground black pepper
  • 1 cup water
  • 12 oz vodka or gin (optional)

Every blog has some cute anecdote that you have to scroll past before you can get to the recipe. I find it obnoxious. But who am I to buck tradition??

The Anecdote

My Home Economics teacher used to beat me with a big rubber clown penis after class. My safe word was “Julia Childs” and I told my parents that the brusises were from trying to earn my “Good Sport” badge at our Boy Scout annual summer campfire reacharound. One day after home economics class, Mrs. Areolas and I were disinfecting the riding crops and putting salve on each other’s rug burns. She offered me a bloody mary made from the tomatoes we sliced up in class earlier. We got so drunk that she forgot to dicapline me with the clown penis. I ended up puting half the bloody mary garnish up her butt while she sang “Relax” by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. I got a C in her class because I forgot the celery.

Anyhoo, here’s the fucking recipe:

You want to use a 28oz can of REALLY GOOD tomatoes from Italy. Don’t use that Del Monte horseshit.

Put everything in a blender except the tomatoes, salt, water and vodka. Pulse until the veggies are mush. If the veggies are getting stuck or not turning to mush, you can splash in some of the cup of water to get everything moving. Once the solids are pulverized, add the tomatoes including all the juice from the can. Puree for a minute or until it’s smooth.

At this point there are still tomato seeds in the puree. They are harmless and I find it easier to just leave them in. You are welcome push the puree through a strainer and get the seeds out but it’s such a pain in the ass. Just try not to waste any nutritious pulp. It’s mostly dietary fiber. You can use the rest of the cup of water here to help wash the pulp through the strainer while only catching the seeds.

Pour your tomato puree into a large measuring container and stir in the remaining water and your salt. If you don’t want it too salty, start with a half teaspon, mix, and taste. Keep adding salt until it’s where you like it. I found that two tablespoons of salt in the recipe brings out the most flavor. Use a whisk and make sure the added water and salt are properly blended with your mix.

The bloody mary mix is ready to use. Store it into the fridge and make your drink once it’s chilled.

I prefer to premix in my vodka (or gin) and then bottle it so it’s ready to drink. If you include 12 oz of vodka this recipe will fill two 750ml alcohol bottles. If you do mix in the vodka or gin, make sure you use a bottle with an airtight stopper. This is where an old empty vodka bottle is handy. In the photo below I used two empty St. George Gin bottles with the labels removed.

Obviously, you can use more or less alcohol as you see fit. Garnish with everything you have in your goddamn fridge plus a pickled dwarf holding a parasol.

The WILDCARD a.k.a. “The PHUK”

The Wildcard – Un Soupçon De Je Ne Sais Quoi
(A little bit of I Don’t Know What)
“The PHUK did I just taste?”

This is a concept I reference in my recipes and when I talk about cooking and wine. I often call it the WILDCARD flavor but Un Soupçon De Je Ne Sais Quoi is more douchey and works better for a blog. For brevity, I will refer to it in my posts as “The PHUK.” Yes, pronounce it like the F word. I spell it differently in my recipes so you fuckers don’t get your fucks all tied in fucking knots over it.

The concept came to me when I was learning about wine but could not identify a subtle flavor or scent. I could tell something was there but could not identify it. That is what gives great wine such great character. It’s just slightly too complex for the uninitiated brain. I would detect that scent and then say to my wife, “The PHUK?” As in, “What the phuk am I smelling?” It was this experience that pushed me to try bigger, bolder, and more complex wine. I was always trying to get my next PHUK fix. Simple wines became boring.

Learning about wine is very important for a cook. It will turn your nose and taste buds into advance chemical detectors. Once you learn to detect those “little bits of I don’t know what” your appreciation of high quality food, wine, beer, spirits, etc. will go through the roof. It can change how you cook as well. You can start to PHUK your own food!!!

Layering In Complexity

When I cook I will complete the dish as intended and then try to find some kind of WILDCARD flavor to add in order to PHUK with your brain. I want people to taste or smell that WILDCARD but not be able to identify it. It should enhance without overpowering. You should know SOMETHING is there but not know what the PHUK it is. The WILDCARD is always a pinch, a dash, or a splash. You’ll taste my food and suddenly think, “The PHUK did I just eat?” I’m adding in detail that you don’t notice, but your brain does.

Here are a few examples:

Standard Italian-American pizza sauce with a tiny amount of ground fennel seeds added.

A fire-grilled, dry-rubbed steak dusted lightly with fine ground espresso beans.

Scallops sautéed in butter and white wine with just a tiny splash of absinth or Pernod.

Homemade enchilada sauce with a pinch of cacao or coco powder.

Caesar dressing with just a few drops of balsamic added. Oooh! Or a sliver of fresh habanero pepper, if you dare.

A smidgeon of lemon or sugar in any dish to either brighten or fatten slightly for balance.

Remember, if your recipe is average…. PHUK it!

Daiquiri And Coconut Spritzer Variation

I have two drinks for you. First is the basic Daiquiri. It’s like a margarita but for rum. Your cruise ships and resorts have screwed over the daiquiri. All it needs is rum, lime, and sugar. It’s a fantastic way to drink rum.

  • 2oz Rum
  • 1oz fresh lime juice
  • 1oz symple syrup

Mix rum, lime, and syrup in tumbler with ice. Shake vigoursly and strain into cocktail glass. Any rum will do, but you are best skipping that overly comercialized Baccardi shit. Any rum will do. I prefer aged rum. If you are a cheap fuck, try this spiced rum from Costco. It’s not bad.

If you want a tropical spritzer version, make the original daiquiry and place in a high ball glass with ice. Then pour in a 12oz can of La Croix coconut soda.

Ur welcome. It tastes like the first time you blew a guy in The Bahamas!

Tea-Infused Vodka, Limoncello, and Robert Palmer

[This shit is dangerous. It tastes like it has little alcohol but that is a lie. Do yourself  a favor and cut it with soda water or you’ll get shithoused really fast]

You ever hear of a drink called the Arnold Palmer? It’s iced tea and lemonaid. It’s pretty decent if you are a square.

My version is made with tea-infused vodka, limoncello, and lemon juice. I call my drink the Robert Palmer because it’s SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE!!!

The Robert Palmer:  Simply Irrisistable!

  • 6 parts Tea-Infused Vodka
  • 4 parts limoncello (50 proof or higher)
  • 1 part fresh lemon juice

This is the the ratio of ingredients if you want to prep some goofy amount not mentioned in this post. Keep in mind, 6+4+1 = 11. So, take your goal amount, say it’s a litre, and divde by 11. 1000ml divided by 11, rounded down, is 90ml. That means you’ll want 540ml of vodka, 360ml limoncello, and 90ml lemon juice. Get it? IT’S MATH!!!!

Making a single drink:

  • 3 oz tea-infused vodka
  • 2oz limoncello
  • 1/2 oz fresh lemon juice

Metric?? sure:

  • 90 ml tea-infused vodka
  • 60 ml limoncello
  • 15 ml fresh lemon juice

Pour over a pint glass full of ice and enjoy.


This stuff is dangerous. Tastes great, but I make it with 80 proof tea-infused vodka and 75 proof limoncello. This is a “Pants down, then shit” kinda drink.

That’s great, Tastykakes, but how do I get these ingredients??”

Good point. Tea-infused vodka can be made at home in a day. Limoncello takes a few weeks to make. Or you can buy some. Here’s the rub:  Store bought limocello is shit. IT’S SHIT!!!!!!!!  I will give you the recipe for both. You won’t make them because you’re a lazy prick.

Tea-Infused Vodka

  • 6 tablespoons quality black tea (that’s 2 grams if you’re civilized and 6 teabags if you married your cousin)
  • 750 ml bottle of vodka

Dump the tea into the bottle of vodka. Let it steep for 24 hours. Dump the vodka through a coffee filter or fine mesh to remove the tea leaves. Boom! You’re done! Pour it back into the bottle from whence it came and put the goddamn cap on it, Sillyass.

Limoncello

  • 8 large, bright yellow lemons. Like hand grenade size lemons. Or 10-12 smaller lemons. Better to err on too many lemons.
  • 500 ml Everclear (150 proof)
  • 500 ml home made simple syrup. (Google it if you don’t know how to make it. It’s easy. Sugar + water heated on a stove.)
  • Microplane zester
  • Glass mason jar

Use the microplane zester to remove the yellow lemon zest. Microplane is key because it gets the zest without any of the bitter white pith. Don’t use a veggie peeler or we’ll all be taking the pith. Place the zest in the mason jar and fill with 150 proof Everclear. Don’t use vodka or you’ll end up with a weak, shit limoncello. Screw the cap on the mason jar (dunsky!) and leave it in a cupboard or pantry for three weeks or until the yellow zest has been stripped of all it’s color. When it is done, filter out the zest using a coffee filter. I use a reusable coffee microfilter. You can use a paper coffee filter if you are a pleeb. Combine the lemon-infused Everclear with an equal amount of simple syrup.

500ml of lemon-infused 150 proof Everclear + 500 ml of simple syrup will give you a litre of 75 proof limoncello.  Much of the store bought limoncello is 30 proof, weak-ass limoncello that is made from artificial flavors and  tastes like a cheap lemon drop candy you might find at a convalescent home or a Salt Lake City dildo shop. Make it yourself, as instructed, and it will taste like what you get in Sorrento or Capri.

Drink, get caffeine/alcohol blitzed, grind teeth, shit pants, and enjoy life. Puto.

 

Improved Tom Collins

Makes two drinks

4 ounces gin
1oz Luxardo Maraschino liqueur
1 oz simple syrup
1 oz fresh lemon juice
Club soda or seltzer water, chilled
Lemon peel garnish

Preparation:

Fill two tall glasses with ice and fill your cocktail shaker half full with ice.
Add gin, lemon juice, and simple syrup to the shaker and shake 30 seconds.
Strain the cocktail ingredients into the ice filled glasses.
Top off the cocktail with club soda, and garnish with lemon peel.
Serve with stolen Starbucks straws.

Palermo Paloma

The margarita is not that popular in Mexico. You read that right. The margarita was popularized in the United States of Gringos. In Mexico, the tequila cocktail of choice is the Paloma. Tequila and lime are good but grapefruit seals the deal. It is often made with grapefruit soda like Squirt when fresh grapefruit is not available. When I visited the douchey, rich area of Monterrey, Mexico for a business trip they made palomas with fresh grapefruit, fresh lime, simple syrup, quality tequila, and club soda. This is my own variation that uses fresh citrus plus Italian grapefruit soda.
I call it the Palermo Paloma.

Palermo Paloma Ingredients 

Makes two big cocktails. I use twenty ounce glasses.

  • 12 oz can of San Pelligrino Pompelmo (grapefruit soda).
  • Juice of one lime
  • Juice of one grapefruit
  • 4 oz of tequila
  • Ice

Pour tequila, lime and grapefruit juices into shaker with ice and shake for a minute. Pour into glasses and top with grapefruit soda. Garnish with grapefruit peel.

Palermo Palomas 

Drink. Poop your pantalones. Repeat.

By the way, left over grapefruits make great stunt tits.

Moscow Mule – Kentucky Mule

Makes 2 drinks.

4 oz vodka 
2 oz. Ginger Liqueur (Domaine Canton works. I make my own because my shit don’t stink)
1/2 oz. simple syrup (optional if you want it to be sweeter. I prefer to omit.)
Juice of 1 fresh lime
Bottle of Fever Tree ginger beer. Cock n’ Bull is great too.

Mix vodka, Domaine de Canton, syrup, and lime juice in shaker with ice. Strain into cup of crushed ice. Top with ginger beer and garnish with lime twist or leftover juiced lime halves.

If you want to make a Kentucky Mulse, use Bourbon instead of vodka and use lemon instead of lime. Boom! Get drunk. Take a dump on your neighbor’s lawn!!

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Baklava Old Fashion – Whiskey Cocktail

Misty made baklava for the first time a week ago. To soak the baklava, she made a simple syrup from sugar, cinnamon, lemon peel, and cloves. We had a few extra cups of this syrup left and decided it might be good to save in the fridge to try in a whiskey cocktail.

Fast forward a week later.

Here is what I came up with: (makes two drinks)

2 oz bonded rye
1/2 oz simple syrup (ours was infused with cinnamon, lemon, and cloves)
2 dashes Peychauds bitters
1/2 oz Solerno blood orange liqueur
lemon twist garnish

Add all ingredients to a mixing glass with ice.
Stir until chilled. (Don’t shake. You’re not animals)
Strain into a chilled lowball glass.
Express lemon twist over the surface of the cocktail to release lemon oil.

Get fershnickered.

Your Father Smelt of Elderlfowers


2 oz of good gin (Like St. George)
1 oz St-Germain elderflower liqueur (St. Germain)
1/2 oz freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/2 simple syrup
Two dashes of Peychaud’s
Lemon twist, for garnish

Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with ice and add the gin, elderflower liqueur, simple syrup, Peychaud’s, and lemon juice. Shake for 20 to 30 seconds. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass, garnish with the lemon twist, and serve.

French 75

Makes two cocktails. 


Ingredients: 

3 oz of good gin
187 ml Champagne or dry sparkling wine (Mini bottles of Prosecco/Cava are inexpensive and great for cocktails).
1 oz fresh squeezed lemon juice (about half a lemon).
1 oz St. Germain (or pamplemousse) – This is the WILDCARD flavor.
1 oz simple syrup (If you use a sweet sparkling wine you can omit this)

I don’t particularly care for sweet sparkling wine, like muscato or demi sec, by themselves. When they are available or gifted to me, they are perfect for a French 75.

Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with ice. Add gin, St. Germain (or pamplemousse), simple syrup and lemon juice. Shake well and strain equally into two Champagne glasses. Top with The Bubbly and garnish with a hunk of fresh lemon peel. Pour into face post haste. Get drunk. Pee pants.