Category Archives: cocktails
You ever hear of a drink called the Arnold Palmer? It’s iced tea and lemonaid. It’s pretty decent if you are a square.
My version is made with tea-infused vodka, limoncello, and lemon juice. I call my drink the Robert Palmer because it’s SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE!!!
The Robert Palmer: Simply Irrisistable!
- 6 parts Tea-Infused Vodka
- 4 parts limoncello (50 proof or higher)
- 1 part fresh lemon juice
This is the the ratio of ingredients if you want to prep some goofy amount not mentioned in this post. Keep in mind, 6+4+1 = 11. So, take your goal amount, say it’s a litre, and divde by 11. 1000ml divided by 11, rounded down, is 90ml. That means you’ll want 540ml of vodka, 360ml limoncello, and 90ml lemon juice. Get it? IT’S MATH!!!!
Making a single drink:
- 3 oz tea-infused vodka
- 2oz limoncello
- 1/2 oz fresh lemon juice
- 90 ml tea-infused vodka
- 60 ml limoncello
- 15 ml fresh lemon juice
Pour over a pint glass full of ice and enjoy.
This stuff is dangerous. Tastes great, but I make it with 80 proof tea-infused vodka and 75 proof limoncello. This is a “Pants down, then shit” kinda drink.
“That’s great, Tastykakes, but how do I get these ingredients??”
Good point. Tea-infused vodka can be made at home in a day. Limoncello takes a few weeks to make. Or you can buy some. Here’s the rub: Store bought limocello is shit. IT’S SHIT!!!!!!!! I will give you the recipe for both. You won’t make them because you’re a lazy prick.
- 6 tablespoons quality black tea (that’s 2 grams if you’re civilized and 6 teabags if you married your cousin)
- 750 ml bottle of vodka
Dump the tea into the bottle of vodka. Let it steep for 24 hours. Dump the vodka through a coffee filter or fine mesh to remove the tea leaves. Boom! You’re done! Pour it back into the bottle from whence it came and put the goddamn cap on it, Sillyass.
- 8 large, bright yellow lemons. Like hand grenade size lemons. Or 10-12 smaller lemons. Better to err on too many lemons.
- 500 ml Everclear (150 proof)
- 500 ml home made simple syrup. (Google it if you don’t know how to make it. It’s easy. Sugar + water heated on a stove.)
- Microplane zester
- Glass mason jar
Use the microplane zester to remove the yellow lemon zest. Microplane is key because it gets the zest without any of the bitter white pith. Don’t use a veggie peeler or we’ll all be taking the pith. Place the zest in the mason jar and fill with 150 proof Everclear. Don’t use vodka or you’ll end up with a weak, shit limoncello. Screw the cap on the mason jar (dunsky!) and leave it in a cupboard or pantry for three weeks or until the yellow zest has been stripped of all it’s color. When it is done, filter out the zest using a coffee filter. I use a reusable coffee microfilter. You can use a paper coffee filter if you are a pleeb. Combine the lemon-infused Everclear with an equal amount of simple syrup.
500ml of lemon-infused 150 proof Everclear + 500 ml of simple syrup will give you a litre of 75 proof limoncello. Much of the store bought limoncello is 30 proof, weak-ass limoncello that is made from artificial flavors and tastes like a cheap lemon drop candy you might find at a convalescent home or a Salt Lake City dildo shop. Make it yourself, as instructed, and it will taste like what you get in Sorrento or Capri.
Drink, get caffeine/alcohol blitzed, grind teeth, shit pants, and enjoy life. Puto.
Makes two drinks
4 ounces gin
1oz Luxardo Maraschino liqueur
1 oz simple syrup
1 oz fresh lemon juice
Club soda or seltzer water, chilled
Lemon peel garnish
Fill two tall glasses with ice and fill your cocktail shaker half full with ice.
Add gin, lemon juice, and simple syrup to the shaker and shake 30 seconds.
Strain the cocktail ingredients into the ice filled glasses.
Top off the cocktail with club soda, and garnish with lemon peel.
Serve with stolen Starbucks straws.
The margarita is not that popular in Mexico. You read that right. The margarita was popularized in the United States of Gringos. In Mexico, the tequila cocktail of choice is the Paloma. Tequila and lime are good but grapefruit seals the deal. It is often made with grapefruit soda like Squirt when fresh grapefruit is not available. When I visited the douchey, rich area of Monterrey, Mexico for a business trip they made palomas with fresh grapefruit, fresh lime, simple syrup, quality tequila, and club soda. This is my own variation that uses fresh citrus plus Italian grapefruit soda.
I call it the Palermo Paloma.
Makes two big cocktails. I use twenty ounce glasses.
- 12 oz can of San Pelligrino Pompelmo (grapefruit soda).
- Juice of one lime
- Juice of one grapefruit
- 4 oz of tequila
Pour tequila, lime and grapefruit juices into shaker with ice and shake for a minute. Pour into glasses and top with grapefruit soda. Garnish with grapefruit peel.
Drink. Poop your pantalones. Repeat.
By the way, left over grapefruits make great stunt tits.
Makes 2 drinks.
4 oz vodka
2 oz. Ginger Liqueur (Domaine Canton works. I make my own because my shit don’t stink)
1/2 oz. simple syrup (optional if you want it to be sweeter. I prefer to omit.)
Juice of 1 fresh lime
Bottle of Fever Tree ginger beer. Cock n’ Bull is great too.
Mix vodka, Domaine de Canton, syrup, and lime juice in shaker with ice. Strain into cup of crushed ice. Top with ginger beer and garnish with lime twist or leftover juiced lime halves.
If you want to make a Kentucky Mulse, use Bourbon instead of vodka and use lemon instead of lime. Boom! Get drunk. Take a dump on your neighbor’s lawn!!
Misty made baklava for the first time a week ago. To soak the baklava, she made a simple syrup from sugar, cinnamon, lemon peel, and cloves. We had a few extra cups of this syrup left and decided it might be good to save in the fridge to try in a whiskey cocktail.
Fast forward a week later.
Here is what I came up with: (makes two drinks)
2 oz bonded rye
1/2 oz simple syrup (ours was infused with cinnamon, lemon, and cloves)
2 dashes Peychauds bitters
1/2 oz Solerno blood orange liqueur
lemon twist garnish
Add all ingredients to a mixing glass with ice.
Stir until chilled. (Don’t shake. You’re not animals)
Strain into a chilled lowball glass.
Express lemon twist over the surface of the cocktail to release lemon oil.
Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with ice and add the gin, elderflower liqueur, simple syrup, Peychaud’s, and lemon juice. Shake for 20 to 30 seconds. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass, garnish with the lemon twist, and serve.
Makes two cocktails.
4 oz of good gin (we like St. George).
4 oz Champagne or dry sparkling wine (Mini bottles of Lamarca Prosecco are inexpensive and great for cocktails).
1 oz St. Germain.
1 oz simple syrup.
1 oz fresh squeezed lemon juice (about half a lemon).
Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with ice. Add gin, St. Germain, simple syrup and lemon juice. Shake well and strain equally into two Champagne glasses. Top with The Bubbly and garnish with a hunk of fresh lemon peel. Pour into face post haste. Get drunk. Pee pants.
3 ounces good Gin
1 ounce Green Chartreuse
1 ounce Absinthe
1 ounce mint-infused simple syrup
1 ounce Fresh Lime juice
splash of club soda
Squished lime for garnish
Mix gin, Chartreuse, Absinthe, syrup, and lime juice in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake well and pour into tall glass with fresh ice and lime garnish. Top with club soda. Drink five. Pass out. Pee yourself.