Author Archives: crjoker
My mother came up with this Ranch Dressing recipe in the 80s. It is very low fat compared to most recipes and I think it tastes better. Bottles ranch dressings taste too much like cheap mayo, vinegar, and/or sugar. This is tangy and low fat thanks to the yogurt. Once we have our ranch, making bleu cheese is just a few more steps.
1 quart of low fat plain yogurt. (I like using Mountain High specifically for this dressing)
I packet of Hidden Valley ranch dressing powder (or 3 tablespoons if you buy the bulk container like me)
1/4 cup of decent mayo. (I use Best Foods or Hellmans. You can use more than a 1/4 cup if you wish)
Combine all three in a bowl and mix thouroughly with a wire wisk. You’re done! If you think it’s too thick add a little water or milk to thin it out.
Bleu Cheese Dressing
1 cup of our Ranch Dressing
1/4 cup blue cheese crumbles
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons sour cream (optional)
a few dashes of Worchestershire sauce.
Combine in a bowl and mix thouroughly with a wire wisk. You’re done!
Put some ranch on your left bewb, bleu cheese on your right bewb, and then slap your own ass.
I love buffalo wings but they are a pain in the ass. They have little meat and if you want to make them at home, raw wings cost 3x more than thighs. Thighs are just awesome. Here is my recipe. I buy whole thighs and I remove the bones, leaving the skin on.
1 cup flour (plus an extra 1/4 cup for batter prep)
2 TBS corn starch (optional for crispier chicken)
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon thyme
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
4 chicken thighs (bone in or boneless, with skin or without)
oil (high heat oil for deep frying)
1 tablespoon butter
1/2 cup hot sauce (Frank's Louisanna works well but any hot sauce will do)
1/4 cup buttermilk or half and half.
Combine hot sauce and butter in a microwave safe bowl and microwave to melt the butter. Stir and set aside.
Place 1/4 cup of flour in bowl. This will be bowl #1.
Mix egg and buttermilk (or half and half) in a second bowl and beat thouroghly. Bowl #2.
Combine 1 cup of flour, corn starch, paprika, thyme, cayenne, salt, pepper, garlic in a 3rd big bowl and mix. Bowl #3.
Arrange the bowls in order and grab a chicken thigh.
Run the chicken thigh through bowl #1 of flour only to coat and dry.
Next run that thigh through the egg/dairy bowl #2 so the egg mix sticks to the floured chicken.
Finally, dredge the egg mix-coated thigh through bowl #3 with the spiced and herbed flour mix.
Place the thigh on a baking sheet (I like to cover it with aluminim foil for easy cleanup) and then repeat with the remaining thighs. You'll want the dredged chicken to sit for at least 20 min so the flour mix absorbs the moisture. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees
If you do not own a deep fryer (like me) you can use a cast iron skillet or pot. Stainless steel works too. Just don't do any high heat frying in Teflon cookware or you will destroy it. Pour enough high heat oil into the pan or pot so there is at least a quarter inch of oil. Heat the oil to 350 degrees before adding chicken. Deep fry each piece until the chicken reaches 160 degrees. Flip every so often unless you are using a proper deep fryer.
Set each piece of chicken on your baking sheet when done. Baste each side of each finished chicken thigh with your butter/hot sauce mixture and then place into the oven. After 10 minutes or so the sauce will dry out and cling to the chicken.
Serve with bleu cheese dressing, celery stalks, and sliced carrot sticks. If this recipe isn't hot enough, jam a hot poker up your ass.
[This shit is dangerous. It tastes like it has little alcohol but that is a lie. Do yourself a favor and cut it with soda water or you’ll get shithoused really fast]
You ever hear of a drink called the Arnold Palmer? It’s iced tea and lemonaid. It’s pretty decent if you are a square.
My version is made with tea-infused vodka, limoncello, and lemon juice. I call my drink the Robert Palmer because it’s SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE!!!
The Robert Palmer: Simply Irrisistable!
- 6 parts Tea-Infused Vodka
- 4 parts limoncello (50 proof or higher)
- 1 part fresh lemon juice
This is the the ratio of ingredients if you want to prep some goofy amount not mentioned in this post. Keep in mind, 6+4+1 = 11. So, take your goal amount, say it’s a litre, and divde by 11. 1000ml divided by 11, rounded down, is 90ml. That means you’ll want 540ml of vodka, 360ml limoncello, and 90ml lemon juice. Get it? IT’S MATH!!!!
Making a single drink:
- 3 oz tea-infused vodka
- 2oz limoncello
- 1/2 oz fresh lemon juice
- 90 ml tea-infused vodka
- 60 ml limoncello
- 15 ml fresh lemon juice
Pour over a pint glass full of ice and enjoy.
This stuff is dangerous. Tastes great, but I make it with 80 proof tea-infused vodka and 75 proof limoncello. This is a “Pants down, then shit” kinda drink.
“That’s great, Tastykakes, but how do I get these ingredients??”
Good point. Tea-infused vodka can be made at home in a day. Limoncello takes a few weeks to make. Or you can buy some. Here’s the rub: Store bought limocello is shit. IT’S SHIT!!!!!!!! I will give you the recipe for both. You won’t make them because you’re a lazy prick.
- 6 tablespoons quality black tea (that’s 2 grams if you’re civilized and 6 teabags if you married your cousin)
- 750 ml bottle of vodka
Dump the tea into the bottle of vodka. Let it steep for 24 hours. Dump the vodka through a coffee filter or fine mesh to remove the tea leaves. Boom! You’re done! Pour it back into the bottle from whence it came and put the goddamn cap on it, Sillyass.
- 8 large, bright yellow lemons. Like hand grenade size lemons. Or 10-12 smaller lemons. Better to err on too many lemons.
- 500 ml Everclear (150 proof)
- 500 ml home made simple syrup. (Google it if you don’t know how to make it. It’s easy. Sugar + water heated on a stove.)
- Microplane zester
- Glass mason jar
Use the microplane zester to remove the yellow lemon zest. Microplane is key because it gets the zest without any of the bitter white pith. Don’t use a veggie peeler or we’ll all be taking the pith. Place the zest in the mason jar and fill with 150 proof Everclear. Don’t use vodka or you’ll end up with a weak, shit limoncello. Screw the cap on the mason jar (dunsky!) and leave it in a cupboard or pantry for three weeks or until the yellow zest has been stripped of all it’s color. When it is done, filter out the zest using a coffee filter. I use a reusable coffee microfilter. You can use a paper coffee filter if you are a pleeb. Combine the lemon-infused Everclear with an equal amount of simple syrup.
500ml of lemon-infused 150 proof Everclear + 500 ml of simple syrup will give you a litre of 75 proof limoncello. Much of the store bought limoncello is 30 proof, weak-ass limoncello that is made from artificial flavors and tastes like a cheap lemon drop candy you might find at a convalescent home or a Salt Lake City dildo shop. Make it yourself, as instructed, and it will taste like what you get in Sorrento or Capri.
Drink, get caffeine/alcohol blitzed, grind teeth, shit pants, and enjoy life. Puto.
I have been putzing around with pasta dough recipies. I buy Bob’s Red Mill Semolina flour and usually use the recipe on the bag. It’s really good. You should prolly stick with it and ignore my half cracker / half camel jockey ass. But if you want to bump it up a tad, this is what I do:
Use half semolina and half all purpose flour. Instead of two eggs, use one whole egg and two egg yolks.
- 2 Tbsp Olive Oil
- 1 whole egg + 2 egg yolks (or just use 2 eggs if you want to be a simple-minded tit)
- 1/2 cup Semolina Pasta Flour + 1/4 cup all purpose flour. (You can use 1 1/2 cups of either flour if you want. Go ahead, break my heart)
- 2 Tbsp Water
- 1/2 tsp Salt (Try sea salt! That little bit of extra fish shit adds a certain je ne sais quoi)
Combine flour and salt, add eggs, water and oil. Mix to make a stiff dough. Not Ron Jeremy stiff, but stiff enough to make a cougar blush. Knead 10 minutes or until dough is elastic. You want to kneed by smashing and stretching with your hands. Don’t be a lazy prick! PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT!!! Wrap dough plastic bag and let rest for 30 minutes so all those dangerous glutens can gain enough strength to kill you and your shitty-ass gluten-free body. After 30 min, on a lightly floured surface, roll out to desired thickness and cut as desired. I use a Kitchen Aid pasta roller because I am lazy.
Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook until tender (approximately 3 – 5 minutes). Don’t over cook fresh pasta, silly ass! When making lasagna, no need to boil noodles. Add directly to your recipe.
Eat. Get diabeetus. Die with a smile on your fat face.
- 1 lbs Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and sliced
- 1 1/4 cups half and half
- 1 tsp butter
- 1/2 yellow onion, sliced
- 2 cloves garlic
- Salt and pepper to taste
- 1 tsp thyme
- 4 tbsp unsalted butter, diced
- Optional: 3 tbsp hatch chili, canned or roasted and diced. (or any diced roasted chili or crushed pepper if you wish)
- 2 cups shredded cheese (Gruyere for French-style. Cheddar and jack work best if you use chilies. Or try a combo of cheddar, jack, and Gruyere)
Preheat oven to 425. Sauté onions in 1 tsp butter until caramelized. Add garlic, chilis (optional), salt, pepper, and thyme. Add half and half and bring to boil. In a greased 2 quart oven safe dish, place 1/3 of the sliced potatoes, top with 1/3 of butter, cream mixture, and cheese. Repeat two more times, ending with cheese. Bake at 425 until potatoes are tender (about 45 minutes).
I’m half Assyrian. I grew up eating a dish called Zazich (prounounced jah-jek). It’s a cheese spread that we’d smear on everything and eat like it was going out of style. It’s a really great dish to eat if you think your LDL is too low.
Here is the zazich recipe. I didn’t even know how it was spelled until I looked it up on Google recently! There are slight differences between recipes I’ve found online and what my family did, but the overall recipe is fairly consistant.
- 16-ounce package small curd cottage cheese
- 2 large packages (6- or 8-ounce cream
- 1 tablespoon butter, room temperature (optional, but yum)
- 1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro (Use Italian parsley if you think cilantro tastes like dish soap. Some people hate it)
- 1/2 cup chopped fresh dill
- 2 hot yellow hungarian peppers / banana peppers, diced. (omit if you are a sissy pansy)
Add all ingredients to mixing bowl and blend. I use a hand held blender to smooth out the cottage cheese curds. They’re kinda nasty lookin’ otherwise. When you are done blending, put it back in the fridge. It will be about 24 hours before all the herb flavors release into the dip. Add a little salt if you wish. Spread it on bread, toast, bagels, pita. Rub it on your assneck, I don’t give a shit.
If you want it to be lower fat you can use use half the cream cheese, as we did when I was a kid, but fat is what makes everything taste good. Growing up, we never measured anything. It was a pint container of cottage cheese, a standard stick of cream cheese, a “bunch” of cilantro, a “bunch” of dill, and that was it. If you have cilantro or dill left over it won’t kill you to just throw it in. More flavor, ya know? I never liked hot peppers as a child. Now I can’t get enough. Use them if you wish.
When I got older I discovered all the other middle eastern cuisines as well as world cuisine. I love Assyrian food because I grew up with it, but I think Lebanese food is far superior. (My grandmother is going to haunt me from the grave for admitting that). Learning to cook world cuisine has altered how I approach family recipes.
I realized I could make a fantastic tzatziki while using the flavors of Assyrian zazich. We never made tzatziki when I was a kid, so I had to make up my own that still adhered to the flavors common in my family’s recipes.
Here is what I came up with:
- 1 pint full fat greek-style plain yogurt.
- 1/4 cup chopped fresh dill
- 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro (Use Italian parsley if you think cilantro tastes like dish soap. I said it before: Some people hate it)
- 1 tsp smashed fresh garlic
- 1/2 – 1 tsp salt (start with a half and add more to taste)
- 1/2 tsp paprika
- 1 tsp pepper
- 2 tsp lemon juice
- 1 tbsp olive oil
- 1 tbsp mayo (you can skip the mayo, but I think it rounds out the flavor. Use good mayo, not some Miracle Whip bullshit)
- 1 medium cucumber (I leave on the skin)
I place the pepper, salt, and garlic in a mortar and smash the hell out of it with a pestle until it is a paste. Slice the cucumbers thin and then dice them. I use a truffle shaver, but I am a douchebag. Put the minced cucumber into a mixing bowl along with your garlic paste.
Add in a pint of full fat plain greek yogurt. I prefer Straus Greek Yogurt. Greek yogurt is strained so it is rich and almost as creamy as cream cheese. Any yogurt will work but dairy fat makes it taste better and it should be tart enough to gag a Bulgarian plummer.
Add in the remaining ingredients and mix well. Place it in the fridge and give it 24 hours for all the herbs to mingle with the dairy fat. Put it on kabobs, rice, pita. Rub it on your pintits, I don’t give a shit!
Makes two drinks
4 ounces gin
1oz Luxardo Maraschino liqueur
1 oz simple syrup
1 oz fresh lemon juice
Club soda or seltzer water, chilled
Lemon peel garnish
Fill two tall glasses with ice and fill your cocktail shaker half full with ice.
Add gin, lemon juice, and simple syrup to the shaker and shake 30 seconds.
Strain the cocktail ingredients into the ice filled glasses.
Top off the cocktail with club soda, and garnish with lemon peel.
Serve with stolen Starbucks straws.
The margarita is not that popular in Mexico. You read that right. The margarita was popularized in the United States of Gringos. In Mexico, the tequila cocktail of choice is the Paloma. Tequila and lime are good but grapefruit seals the deal. It is often made with grapefruit soda like Squirt when fresh grapefruit is not available. When I visited the douchey, rich area of Monterrey, Mexico for a business trip they made palomas with fresh grapefruit, fresh lime, simple syrup, quality tequila, and club soda. This is my own variation that uses fresh citrus plus Italian grapefruit soda.
I call it the Palermo Paloma.
Makes two big cocktails. I use twenty ounce glasses.
- 12 oz can of San Pelligrino Pompelmo (grapefruit soda).
- Juice of one lime
- Juice of one grapefruit
- 4 oz of tequila
Pour tequila, lime and grapefruit juices into shaker with ice and shake for a minute. Pour into glasses and top with grapefruit soda. Garnish with grapefruit peel.
Drink. Poop your pantalones. Repeat.
By the way, left over grapefruits make great stunt tits.