Author Archives: crjoker
A pint of hummus at Whole Foods costs $7. It barely cost them a buck to make it. I make my own not just to save money but I can control the fat calories.This is my reduced calorie hummus. If you want it to taste more decadent, double the amount of oil and tahini used and reduce the water accordingly.
- 2 cups cooked chickpeas
- 1 tbsp tahini (See below to make it at home. It’s really easy)
- 1 tbsp olive oil
- 3 tbsp of water
- 2 tbsp fresh lemon juice (about one lemon)
- 1 tsp salt
- 1/2 tsp ground black pepper
- 1/2 tsp cumin
- 1/2 tsp smoked paprika
- OPTIONAL 2-4 roasted garlic cloves. If you don’t want to roast the garlic, mince it, mix with with the olive oil, and microwave for a minute.
Blend for several minutes in food processor until it is a smooth paste. Refridgerate. Smear on stuff. Rub it on your ass, I don’t care. Try to comsume it within a week. By week two it starts to smell like Yasser Arafat’s dirty gooch after a long flight to Oslo to negotiate with Shimon Perez.
I soak and pressure cook an entire 1 lb bag of dried chickpeas on a weekend, use what I need for hummus, and freeze the rest for other batches. It’s far cheaper than even the cheapest canned chickpeas. But go ahead and ignore me, especially if you love it in the can. (Ba doomp boomp TSSSS)
What’s that? You don’t want to buy tahini? Good! Stores overcharge for tahini. Take one cup of sesame seeds, toast them in a pan for 5 min, and then run them in a food processor with 3 tbsp olive oil until it forms a gooey paste. Put it in an air-tight jar and it will keep for months in the fridge like peanutbutter.
- 12oz package of andouille sausage or smoked sausage. Ususually about 4 links.
- 1 pound raw shrimp (shell on)
- 1 pound diced dark meat chicken (raw or pre-cooked)
- 2 to 3 teaspoons vegetable oil (or chicken fat if ya got it!)
- 1 quart home made chickenstock (use store bought broth if you wanna break my heart)
- 8oz bottle clam juice
- 1 can diced tomatoes
- 6 oz can tomato paste
- 6 medium garlic cloves, minced ( I use a truffle shaver to make them paper thin)
- 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
- 1/2 teaspoon basil
- 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
- 1/2 cup butter or chicken fat
- 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
- 1 large onion or 2 medium (chopped) Approx 2 cups
- 1 cup celery (chopped)
- 1 red bell pepper (chopped) Approx 1- 1.5 cups
- 1 green bell pepper (chopped) Approx 1- 1.5 cups
- 1 1/2 cups okra slices (fresh or frozen thawed)
- 1 tablespoon Cajun or Creole seasoning
- 2 bay leaves
- Salt and pepper (to taste)
- Optional garnish: chopped parsley or green onion tops
- Extra cayenne for more heat ( I added another tablespoon)
I use homemade chicken stock. There are a thousand recipes online. Real stock will take your cooking up to gourmet level. Store bought broth is flavored water. Real stock contains minerals, geletin, and all the complexity you’ll find in restaurant cooking. It is a great way to make use of old chicken bones. Google it, ya lazy prick!
SHRIMP: Rinse your thawed, raw shrimp and peel off the shell and tail. Set the shrimp aside. Save the shell and tail!!
CHICKEN: If you have raw dark meat, dice it and set it aside. If you have cooked meat, you dice it and you are ready to go. Feel free to use bone in chicken. Or you can even seperate all the edible meat from the bones if you make your own stock. Waste not, want not.
SAUSAGE: Dice your andouille or smoked sausage into coins. Set aside. These are usually pre-cooked.
STOCK: Put your quart of chicken stock or broth in a sauce pot with the shrimp shells and tails. Pour in the 8oz of clam juice, the Worcestershire and let simmer for 20 min. You want your stock to taste complex. Strain out the solids when you are complete and add some water so you have 2 quarts of stock ready to go. You can do this days in advance if you wish.
ROUX: In a large pot or skillet, combine ½ cup unsalted butter and ½ cup flour. Cook over medium heat for 15-20 minutes to make a dark roux. Stir with a whisk to prevent burning, especially in the last 5 minutes of cooking. Set aside.
Boil the okra (if raw) for 7-9 minutes until tender, stirring occasionally. Dump okra into a colander to drain the water and rise out some of the snot.
Put the vegetable oil (or chicken fat) into a large skillet. Saute onion, bell peppers, and celery. Sauté until vegetables are tender, about 8 to 10 minutes. If you have raw chicken, add it now and cook it. Add in the garlic late. You don’t want it to burn. Add in cooked okra, diced tomatoes, and sliced Andouille sausage. Cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add bay leaf, cajun seasoning, thyme, basil, and cayenne. Add half of your stock. You may add more water depending on how thick you want the gumbo. Simmer over medium-low heat, for approximately 30 minutes with the pot loosely covered, stirring occasionally.
Reheat the ROUX and slowy whisk in the remaining stock until it become a nice gravy. Merge this gravy in with the veggies and meat and stir.
Add shrimpf, and the pre-cooked chicken if that is what you have. Simmer another 30 min to let flavor come out. Shrimp cooks quickly. At the very end, add 6oz of tomato paste to thicken and sweeten it. Add more cayenne if you want it to be hotter’n a two-pecker billy goat.
Add salt to taste. Serve with rice.
Optional: Garnish with green onions and chopped parsley
Pray to the tushy god that you don’t have fire shooting outcho ass tomorrow.
I have two drinks for you. First is the basic Daiquiri. It’s like a margarita but for rum. Your cruise ships and resorts have screwed over the daiquiri. All it needs is rum, lime, and sugar. It’s a fantastic way to drink rum.
- 2oz Rum
- 1oz fresh lime juice
- 1oz symple syrup
Mix rum, lime, and syrup in tumbler with ice. Shake vigoursly and strain into cocktail glass. Any rum will do, but you are best skipping that overly comercialized Baccardi shit. Any rum will do. I prefer aged rum. If you are a cheap fuck, try this spiced rum from Costco. It’s not bad.
If you want a tropical spritzer version, make the original daiquiry and place in a high ball glass with ice. Then pour in a 12oz can of La Croix coconut soda.
Ur welcome. It tastes like the first time you blew a guy in The Bahamas!
My mother came up with this Ranch Dressing recipe in the 80s. It is very low fat compared to most recipes and I think it tastes better. Bottles ranch dressings taste too much like cheap mayo, vinegar, and/or sugar. This is tangy and low fat thanks to the yogurt. Once we have our ranch, making bleu cheese is just a few more steps.
1 quart of low fat plain yogurt. (I like using Mountain High specifically for this dressing)
I packet of Hidden Valley ranch dressing powder (or 3 tablespoons if you buy the bulk container like me)
1/4 cup of decent mayo. (I use Best Foods or Hellmans. You can use more than a 1/4 cup if you wish)
Combine all three in a bowl and mix thouroughly with a wire wisk. You're done! If you think it's too thick add a little water or mile to thin it out.
Bleu Cheese Dressing
1 cup of our Ranch Dressing
1/4 cup blue cheese crumbles
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons sour cream (optional)
a few dashes of Worchestershire sauce.
Combine in a bowl and mix thouroughly with a wire wisk. You're done!
Put some ranch on your left bewb, bleu cheese on your right bewb, and then slap your own ass.
I love buffalo wings but they are a pain in the ass. They have little meat and if you want to make them at home, raw wings cost 3x more than thighs. Thighs are just awesome. Here is my recipe. I buy whole thighs and I remove the bones, leaving the skin on.
1 cup flour (plus an extra 1/4 cup for batter prep)
2 TBS corn starch (optional for crispier chicken)
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon thyme
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
4 chicken thighs (bone in or boneless, with skin or without)
oil (high heat oil for deep frying)
1 tablespoon butter
1/2 cup hot sauce (Frank's Louisanna works well but any hot sauce will do)
1/4 cup buttermilk or half and half.
Combine hot sauce and butter in a microwave safe bowl and microwave to melt the butter. Stir and set aside.
Place 1/4 cup of flour in bowl. This will be bowl #1.
Mix egg and buttermilk (or half and half) in a second bowl and beat thouroghly. Bowl #2.
Combine 1 cup of flour, corn starch, paprika, thyme, cayenne, salt, pepper, garlic in a 3rd big bowl and mix. Bowl #3.
Arrange the bowls in order and grab a chicken thigh.
Run the chicken thigh through bowl #1 of flour only to coat and dry.
Next run that thigh through the egg/dairy bowl #2 so the egg mix sticks to the floured chicken.
Finally, dredge the egg mix-coated thigh through bowl #3 with the spiced and herbed flour mix.
Place the thigh on a baking sheet (I like to cover it with aluminim foil for easy cleanup) and then repeat with the remaining thighs. You'll want the dredged chicken to sit for at least 20 min so the flour mix absorbs the moisture. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees
If you do not own a deep fryer (like me) you can use a cast iron skillet or pot. Stainless steel works too. Just don't do any high heat frying in Teflon cookware or you will destroy it. Pour enough high heat oil into the pan or pot so there is at least a quarter inch of oil. Heat the oil to 350 degrees before adding chicken. Deep fry each piece until the chicken reaches 160 degrees. Flip every so often unless you are using a proper deep fryer.
Set each piece of chicken on your baking sheet when done. Baste each side of each finished chicken thigh with your butter/hot sauce mixture and then place into the oven. After 10 minutes or so the sauce will dry out and cling to the chicken.
Serve with bleu cheese dressing, celery stalks, and sliced carrot sticks. If this recipe isn't hot enough, jam a hot poker up your ass.
You ever hear of a drink called the Arnold Palmer? It’s iced tea and lemonaid. It’s pretty decent if you are a square.
My version is made with tea-infused vodka, limoncello, and lemon juice. I call my drink the Robert Palmer because it’s SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE!!!
The Robert Palmer: Simply Irrisistable!
- 6 parts Tea-Infused Vodka
- 4 parts limoncello (50 proof or higher)
- 1 part fresh lemon juice
This is the the ratio of ingredients if you want to prep some goofy amount not mentioned in this post. Keep in mind, 6+4+1 = 11. So, take your goal amount, say it’s a litre, and divde by 11. 1000ml divided by 11, rounded down, is 90ml. That means you’ll want 540ml of vodka, 360ml limoncello, and 90ml lemon juice. Get it? IT’S MATH!!!!
Making a single drink:
- 3 oz tea-infused vodka
- 2oz limoncello
- 1/2 oz fresh lemon juice
- 90 ml tea-infused vodka
- 60 ml limoncello
- 15 ml fresh lemon juice
Pour over a pint glass full of ice and enjoy.
This stuff is dangerous. Tastes great, but I make it with 80 proof tea-infused vodka and 75 proof limoncello. This is a “Pants down, then shit” kinda drink.
“That’s great, Tastykakes, but how do I get these ingredients??”
Good point. Tea-infused vodka can be made at home in a day. Limoncello takes a few weeks to make. Or you can buy some. Here’s the rub: Store bought limocello is shit. IT’S SHIT!!!!!!!! I will give you the recipe for both. You won’t make them because you’re a lazy prick.
- 6 tablespoons quality black tea (that’s 2 grams if you’re civilized and 6 teabags if you married your cousin)
- 750 ml bottle of vodka
Dump the tea into the bottle of vodka. Let it steep for 24 hours. Dump the vodka through a coffee filter or fine mesh to remove the tea leaves. Boom! You’re done! Pour it back into the bottle from whence it came and put the goddamn cap on it, Sillyass.
- 8 large, bright yellow lemons. Like hand grenade size lemons. Or 10-12 smaller lemons. Better to err on too many lemons.
- 500 ml Everclear (150 proof)
- 500 ml home made simple syrup. (Google it if you don’t know how to make it. It’s easy. Sugar + water heated on a stove.)
- Microplane zester
- Glass mason jar
Use the microplane zester to remove the yellow lemon zest. Microplane is key because it gets the zest without any of the bitter white pith. Don’t use a veggie peeler or we’ll all be taking the pith. Place the zest in the mason jar and fill with 150 proof Everclear. Don’t use vodka or you’ll end up with a weak, shit limoncello. Screw the cap on the mason jar (dunsky!) and leave it in a cupboard or pantry for three weeks or until the yellow zest has been stripped of all it’s color. When it is done, filter out the zest using a coffee filter. I use a reusable coffee microfilter. You can use a paper coffee filter if you are a pleeb. Combine the lemon-infused Everclear with an equal amount of simple syrup.
500ml of lemon-infused 150 proof Everclear + 500 ml of simple syrup will give you a litre of 75 proof limoncello. Much of the store bought limoncello is 30 proof, weak-ass limoncello that is made from artificial flavors and tastes like a cheap lemon drop candy you might find at a convalescent home or a Salt Lake City dildo shop. Make it yourself, as instructed, and it will taste like what you get in Sorrento or Capri.
Drink, get caffeine/alcohol blitzed, grind teeth, shit pants, and enjoy life. Puto.
I have been putzing around with pasta dough recipies. I buy Bob’s Red Mill Semolina flour and usually use the recipe on the bag. It’s really good. You should prolly stick with it and ignore my half cracker / half camel jockey ass. But if you want to bump it up a tad, this is what I do:
Use half semolina and half all purpose flour. Instead of two eggs, use one whole egg and two egg yolks.
- 2 Tbsp Olive Oil
- 1 whole egg + 2 egg yolks (or just use 2 eggs if you want to be a simple-minded tit)
- 1/2 cup Semolina Pasta Flour + 1/4 cup all purpose flour. (You can use 1 1/2 cups of either flour if you want. Go ahead, break my heart)
- 2 Tbsp Water
- 1/2 tsp Salt (Try sea salt! That little bit of extra fish shit adds a certain je ne sais quoi)
Combine flour and salt, add eggs, water and oil. Mix to make a stiff dough. Not Ron Jeremy stiff, but stiff enough to make a cougar blush. Knead 10 minutes or until dough is elastic. You want to kneed by smashing and stretching with your hands. Don’t be a lazy prick! PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT!!! Wrap dough plastic bag and let rest for 30 minutes so all those dangerous glutens can gain enough strength to kill you and your shitty-ass gluten-free body. After 30 min, on a lightly floured surface, roll out to desired thickness and cut as desired. I use a Kitchen Aid pasta roller because I am lazy.
Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook until tender (approximately 3 – 5 minutes). Don’t over cook fresh pasta, silly ass! When making lasagna, no need to boil noodles. Add directly to your recipe.
Eat. Get diabeetus. Die with a smile on your fat face.
- 1 lbs Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and sliced
- 1 1/4 cups half and half
- 1 tsp butter
- 1/2 yellow onion, sliced
- 2 cloves garlic
- Salt and pepper to taste
- 1 tsp thyme
- 4 tbsp unsalted butter, diced
- Optional: 3 tbsp hatch chili, canned or roasted and diced. (or any diced roasted chili or crushed pepper if you wish)
- 2 cups shredded cheese (Gruyere for French-style. Cheddar and jack work best if you use chilies. Or try a combo of cheddar, jack, and Gruyere)
Preheat oven to 425. Sauté onions in 1 tsp butter until caramelized. Add garlic, chilis (optional), salt, pepper, and thyme. Add half and half and bring to boil. In a greased 2 quart oven safe dish, place 1/3 of the sliced potatoes, top with 1/3 of butter, cream mixture, and cheese. Repeat two more times, ending with cheese. Bake at 425 until potatoes are tender (about 45 minutes).
I’m half Assyrian. I grew up eating a dish called Zazich (prounounced jah-jek). It’s a cheese spread that we’d smear on everything and eat like it was going out of style. It’s a really great dish to eat if you think your LDL is too low.
Here is the zazich recipe. I didn’t even know how it was spelled until I looked it up on Google recently! There are slight differences between recipes I’ve found online and what my family did, but the overall recipe is fairly consistant.
- 16-ounce package small curd cottage cheese
- 2 large packages (6- or 8-ounce cream
- 1 tablespoon butter, room temperature (optional, but yum)
- 1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro (Use Italian parsley if you think cilantro tastes like dish soap. Some people hate it)
- 1/2 cup chopped fresh dill
- 2 hot yellow hungarian peppers / banana peppers, diced. (omit if you are a sissy pansy)
Add all ingredients to mixing bowl and blend. I use a hand held blender to smooth out the cottage cheese curds. They’re kinda nasty lookin’ otherwise. When you are done blending, put it back in the fridge. It will be about 24 hours before all the herb flavors release into the dip. Add a little salt if you wish. Spread it on bread, toast, bagels, pita. Rub it on your assneck, I don’t give a shit.
If you want it to be lower fat you can use use half the cream cheese, as we did when I was a kid, but fat is what makes everything taste good. Growing up, we never measured anything. It was a pint container of cottage cheese, a standard stick of cream cheese, a “bunch” of cilantro, a “bunch” of dill, and that was it. If you have cilantro or dill left over it won’t kill you to just throw it in. More flavor, ya know? I never liked hot peppers as a child. Now I can’t get enough. Use them if you wish.
When I got older I discovered all the other middle eastern cuisines as well as world cuisine. I love Assyrian food because I grew up with it, but I think Lebanese food is far superior. (My grandmother is going to haunt me from the grave for admitting that). Learning to cook world cuisine has altered how I approach family recipes.
I realized I could make a fantastic tzatziki while using the flavors of Assyrian zazich. We never made tzatziki when I was a kid, so I had to make up my own that still adhered to the flavors common in my family’s recipes.
Here is what I came up with:
- 1 pint full fat greek-style plain yogurt.
- 1/4 cup chopped fresh dill
- 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro (Use Italian parsley if you think cilantro tastes like dish soap. I said it before: Some people hate it)
- 1 tsp smashed fresh garlic
- 1/2 – 1 tsp salt (start with a half and add more to taste)
- 1/2 tsp paprika
- 1 tsp pepper
- 2 tsp lemon juice
- 1 tbsp olive oil
- 1 tbsp mayo (you can skip the mayo, but I think it rounds out the flavor. Use good mayo, not some Miracle Whip bullshit)
- 1 medium cucumber (I leave on the skin)
I place the pepper, salt, and garlic in a mortar and smash the hell out of it with a pestle until it is a paste. Slice the cucumbers thin and then dice them. I use a truffle shaver, but I am a douchebag. Put the minced cucumber into a mixing bowl along with your garlic paste.
Add in a pint of full fat plain greek yogurt. I prefer Straus Greek Yogurt. Greek yogurt is strained so it is rich and almost as creamy as cream cheese. Any yogurt will work but dairy fat makes it taste better and it should be tart enough to gag a Bulgarian plummer.
Add in the remaining ingredients and mix well. Place it in the fridge and give it 24 hours for all the herbs to mingle with the dairy fat. Put it on kabobs, rice, pita. Rub it on your pintits, I don’t give a shit!