Twenty Year High School Reunion.

Class of 1992
All American High School.
Anytown, USA

I am so excited to see all of you soon at our twenty year high school reunion. Everyone is sharing so much about themselves that I decided to share a little bit about me.

As many of you remember, I was the school slut. I used to blow guys behind the boys gym dumpster. I would walk to the local dollar theater and give handjobs for popcorn and matinee tickets. Then tragedy struck senior year when my grandmother, Nana Buttermilf, died of violent complications from Tourette’s Syndrome. This sent me into a depression and soon I was huffing Pam cooking spray and eating paint chips just to make it through a day of school. Luckily that month, Dirk Drinkmilk asked me to the Reverse Sadie Hawkins dance.

I was the luckiest girl in school! Every girl in school wanted to date the amazing Dirk Drinkmilk: champion quarterback, took our basketball team to the championships, track, swim team, and Secretary of the Young Republicans club hate-on-Mexicans club. He was all mine! After six consecutive weeks of unprotected sex (condoms are a sin, you know) God decided to bless us with our first baby. Dirk and I were married at the Chappell du Bâtard at the local Indian Casino exactly three months after graduation and three months before our son, Job, was born.

Dirk and I were brought together by God, I know this now. Pam cooking spray, paint chips and handjobs will never fulfill you as much as The Lord. I had lost my way in high school, but was back on the path of Christ soon after. Dirk and I found Jesus together and also found a studio apartment five blocks from high school. He started a lucrative career as a vending machine service man. I started my career at Mom, Inc.  It has been an amazing 20 years. We have been blessed with many wonderful children:

Job – 20
Lot – 19
Peter – 18
Caleb – 17
Eli -16  1/2
Luke -16
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Triplets) – 15
Mary – 14
Hosanna – 13
Moab – 12 1/2
Tobiah – 12
Phineas – 11
Micah – 10
Isaiah – 9
Samson and Delilah (Twins) – 8
Gideon – 7
Eve – 6
Abel – 5
Lazarus (God rest his soul)

God took Lazarus from us when he was only five months old. A month after he was born my uterus fell out and I was told I’d never give birth again. I went back to eating paint chips and was ready to kill myself. I wasn’t paying attention and I let little Lazarus fall into a sewer pipe… three or four times. After the fourth time, the Emergency Room was not able to resuscitate our baby. Thanks a lot, Obamacare! Clearly God needed little Lazarus more than I did. God was sending me a clear message that I needed to, once again, stop eating paint chips.  

Dirk made night shift manager at the Mr. Pibb warehouse and we were able to buy our dream home, two blocks from high school, where our oldest 8 children attend or have mostly graduated. Our oldest kids are not working. Thanks a lot, Obamanomics! Job went into the military and lost both hands in a tragic urinal/grenade prank during boot camp. I started my own business recently on Etsy. I make religious cummerbunds.  

I can’t wait for the reunion! I am so excited to see all my high school friends. It’s seems like yesterday that we all saw each other. Oh wait, it was yesterday. All of our kids attend the exact same schools we did.  Gotta run.  I’ve got to cook dinner for twenty thankless children and then go clean the Pabst Blue Ribbon stains out of my big fat husband’s XXXL jockey shorts.  My husband has bigger tits than I do and hasn’t laid a hand on me since my girl parts fell out. But he’s the love of my life!

Yours in Jesus,
Britney Buttermilf-Drinkmilk

Santorum/Palin 2012

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Posted on April 13, 2012, in Comedy. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Twenty Year High School Reunion..

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