Bloody Mary

For a while now I have been thinking how I could improve the bloody mary beyond simple tomato juice. Here is it. You’ll need a blender.

These are two empty 750ml St. George Gin bottles that I washed out and removed the labels. The vodka is premixed in and they are ready to drink.

  • 1 can whole Pomodoro tomatoes (Mutti or Cento is best)
  • Two cloves of garlic, mashed
  • The leaves and stems trimmed off a head of celery.
  • 1/4 cup diced red onion
  • Juice of 2 large lemons (about 3oz)
  • 1 tbsp Hot sauce (I use Nando’s Peri Peri)
  • 1 tbsp Horseradish, to taste
  • 1 tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
  • 1 or 2 tsp salt (to taste)
  • 1/2 tsp ground black pepper
  • 1 cup water
  • 12 oz vodka or gin (optional)

Every blog has some cute anecdote that you have to scroll past before you can get to the recipe. I find it obnoxious. But who am I to buck tradition??

The Anecdote

My Home Economics teacher used to beat me with a big rubber clown penis after class. My safe word was “Julia Childs” and I told my parents that the brusises were from trying to earn my “Good Sport” badge at our Boy Scout annual summer campfire reacharound. One day after home economics class, Mrs. Areolas and I were disinfecting the riding crops and putting salve on each other’s rug burns. She offered me a bloody mary made from the tomatoes we sliced up in class earlier. We got so drunk that she forgot to dicapline me with the clown penis. I ended up puting half the bloody mary garnish up her butt while she sang “Relax” by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. I got a C in her class because I forgot the celery.

Anyhoo, here’s the fucking recipe:

You want to use a 28oz can of REALLY GOOD tomatoes from Italy. Don’t use that Del Monte horseshit.

Put everything in a blender except the tomatoes, salt, water and vodka. Pulse until the veggies are mush. If the veggies are getting stuck or not turning to mush, you can splash in some of the cup of water to get everything moving. Once the solids are pulverized, add the tomatoes including all the juice from the can. Puree for a minute or until it’s smooth.

At this point there are still tomato seeds in the puree. They are harmless and I find it easier to just leave them in. You are welcome push the puree through a strainer and get the seeds out but it’s such a pain in the ass. Just try not to waste any nutritious pulp. It’s mostly dietary fiber. You can use the rest of the cup of water here to help wash the pulp through the strainer while only catching the seeds.

Pour your tomato puree into a large measuring container and stir in the remaining water and your salt. If you don’t want it too salty, start with a half teaspon, mix, and taste. Keep adding salt until it’s where you like it. I found that two tablespoons of salt in the recipe brings out the most flavor. Use a whisk and make sure the added water and salt are properly blended with your mix.

The bloody mary mix is ready to use. Store it into the fridge and make your drink once it’s chilled.

I prefer to premix in my vodka (or gin) and then bottle it so it’s ready to drink. If you include 12 oz of vodka this recipe will fill two 750ml alcohol bottles. If you do mix in the vodka or gin, make sure you use a bottle with an airtight stopper. This is where an old empty vodka bottle is handy. In the photo below I used two empty St. George Gin bottles with the labels removed.

Obviously, you can use more or less alcohol as you see fit. Garnish with everything you have in your goddamn fridge plus a pickled dwarf holding a parasol.

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His Royal Dumpchest

Citrus Vinaigrette

When I was a little boy growing up in Gary, Indiana I was out loitering near a crackhouse. A dog ran up to me and started humping my leg. It made eye contact with me and was very upset. I had a feeling that the dog was trying to tell me someone was in danger. I followed the dog behind a dumpster and found a man trying to use a dead rat as a crackpipe. As it turn out, the dog was just horny.

Anyhoo, here’s a recipe for a salad dressing I just made up.

  • 2 garlic cloves, minced
  • ¾ cup olive oil
  • 1 TBSP dijon or stone ground mustard
  • ¼ cup Champagne vinegar or white wine vinegar
  • 1/4 cup of the blended juice from 1 lemon, 1 lime, 1 orange

    The PHUK (optional):
  • Pinch of cayenne or red pepper flakes
  • Pinch of cumin
  • Dash of balsamic

Caribbean-Inspired Gremolada

  • 1/2 cup Olive Oil
  • Zest of 1 orange, two lemons, and three limes
  • 1/4 cup fresh sqeezed juice: 1 orange, two lemons, and three limes
  • 5-7 large Garlic cloves, minced
  • 1 tablespoon fresh Ginger, grated
  • 1/4 cup Parsley, finely chopped
  • 1/4 cup Cilantro, finely chopped
  • 1/4 cup thyme, finely chopped
  • 1/2 cup chopped spring onions (or one bunch)
  • 1 teaspoon Salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon Paprika
  • 1/8 teaspoon All-spice
  • 1/4 teaspoon Nutmeg
  • 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon Black Pepper
  • 1/2 teaspoon Red Chili Flakes or cayenne (optional)

Whisky all ingredients together in a glass bowl. Use as marinade or garnish on veggies, rice, seafood, or chicken.

Tabouli and Couscous

You can make so many variations on this. Just vary the key elements:

Grain: Bulgar wheat, couscous, rice, corn

Oil: Olive, avacado, coconut, etc

Acid: Vinegar, citrus,

Herbs: Cilantro, parslay, mint, dill, etc

Veggies: Cabbage, cucumber, fresh zuccini

Fruit: Tomatoes, peaches, apples, nectarines

Aromatics: Garlic, onion

Brown Rice Tabouli

  • 1 cup cooked brown rice (or quinoa)
  • 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
  • 2 tsp sugar, honey, or agave syrup
  • 5 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
  • 1 cup diced tomatoes (I use sliced grape or cherry tomatoes)
  • 2 large cucumbers, chopped
  • 1 cups chopped fresh herbs (such as cilantro, dill, parsley and/or basil)
  • 1 small red onion, chopped
  • Freshly ground pepper
  • 1 tsp kosher salt
  • 1 tsp paprika

Corn Peach Cabbage Couscous

• 2 medium peaches, grilled
• 1/2 cup tomato, seeded and diced into small cubes
• 1/4 cup feta crumbles
• 1/2 cup couscous
• 1 cup thinly sliced grilled cabbage
• 1/4 cup thinly sliced red onion (fresh and pickled)
• 2 tablespoon italian parsley, finely chopped
• 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
• 2 tablespoons lime juice
• 1/2 tablespoon minced garlic
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper

Tabouli

1 cup parsley, chopped
1/2 cup chopped mint
1/2 cup minced red onion
1/2 cup minced green onions
1 cup tomatoes, chopped
1 cup cucumber, chopped
1 cup cooked couscous
juice of two lemons
1/4 cup olive oil
4oz feta crumbles
1 can garbanzo beans
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper

OPTIONAL

1 cup cilantro, chopped

Combine in bowl. Taste. Add more oil, lemon, salt, and pepper until it is to your liking. Eat this shit, yo.

Bulgar wheat is bullshit. I prefer couscous. It’s made from semolina wheat and is light and fluffy. Bulgar wheat is like dingleberries that fell off the ass of a desert tortoise. Not a fan.

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